The Sue Hunters
by Pottersgal15
Summary: When all is not well in the world of canon, Jake Evans and Annie Baines, Sue Hunters extraordinaire, are there to help! But can they defeat the most powerful Mary Sue of all? Read on and find out!
1. 1  Annie and Jake

Disclaimer: I own nothing but Jake and Annie. PotC belongs to Disney, The Sue Hunters belong to canon and Lady Sparklipoo belongs in Hell. Enjoy!

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Every story starts with an idea.

Ideas are tricky things. With some people, ideas worm their way into their heads and are fixed so deeply in their minds, that if anyone attempts to change said idea, they will automatically get their head bitten off. With other people, they wish that they could be a part of that idea. A few of these people want that so much, that little by little, they alter the idea to make room for themselves. This is where Mary Sues come from.

Mary Sues. The scourge of canon everywhere. They warp the story a little at a time to suit their own needs until you can hardly recognise it, and the story is doomed beyond belief.

But there is hope.

Somewhere far away, in a top-secret base, there is an organisation working to stop the rise of Sues and to protect canon from this monstrosity. They are called the Sue Hunters. (Originality is not one of their strong points.)

And currently, two of their brightest and best agents are about to be called on a mission.

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Annie Baines had brown hair and hazel eyes behind glasses. She was short and had very red cheeks which made her look as though she was permanently blushing. She was also one half of the Sue Hunters' crack team, and possibly the third best technician in the whole organisation. She was currently sitting in her favourite lesson, double Physics. Casually jotting down one of Newton's principles, she glanced ever so carefully at her partner sitting across the room.

His name was Jake Evans. He had long, messy dark hair, dark eyes and was quite tall and muscly for his age. He was the half of the team which kicked down doors, beat people up and generally looked good. He was also completely up himself. There was no denying that Jake was the best-looking guy in the school, possibly in the town, but his arrogance more than countered that fact. He always had at least three bimbos hanging off his arms and had been asked out at least twenty times in three months, and he wouldn't let anyone forget it. Not that she would ever tell anyone, but Annie had harboured a secret crush on Jake ever since they had been working together, and always became incredibly nervous around him.

There was a faint beeping sound coming from Annie's watch. She glanced at it. The emergency Sue device on her watch was flashing - she was needed for a mission into canon. Excusing herself from the lesson, Annie crept into the girls' toilet, still keeping her eyes on her watch. A few minutes later, Jake ambled in, tossing his hair out of his eyes, looking as though he had all the time in the world, and hadn't just walked into the wrong loos.

"You're late." said Annie, frowning at him.

"Sorry babe." Jake drawled, hands in pockets. "Not my fault if the teacher stopped me from going."

"Y-you could have just pretended to be sick and run out of the classroom. No-one'd stop you then."

"Are you crazy? I don't do running. It messes up my hair."

Annie rolled her eyes. "Let's get on with it then." she said, pushing down a button on her watch.

There was a bright flash of light, and they both appeared on the deck of a ship in a harbour, dressed in black leather jumpsuits.

"Oh God. Not these bloody jumpsuits again." moaned Annie.

"They're not that bad." said Jake, admiring the way his muscles rippled under the tight leather.

"O-on you it's fine. You don't have podgy bits. And they cling."

"I like clingy things. They make me look sexy, don't you think so?"

"D-don't r-rub it in."

They crept along the deck of the ship. It was deserted, and the more Annie thought about it, the stranger it seemed. It was daylight, about three in the afternoon, and yet no-one was on board.

"Annie?" hissed Jake.

"Yeah?" she hissed back.

"Where are we?"

"Unless I'm very much mistaken, Pirates of the Carribean."

"Well that explains the ship."

"Oh well done Einstein."

"Oh please. You're jealous because I look sexier in this jumpsuit than you do."

"S-shut up!"

They crept along in silence for a bit longer.

"Who's the target?" asked Jake.

Annie pulled out a handheld computer and tapped something into it. "Will Turner. They've had to warp some serious canon to get this one in place. Elizabeth has gone lesbian with Tia Dalma, and whatever happened to Elizabeth actually happened to this Sue...Serenity Helena Issabella Toulouse, she's called. It's pretty serious."

"Sue or not, there's no way she could resist my charms." said Jake, tossing his hair again. Annie bit her lip nervously.

"A-anyway, it's a b-big story. If we get this one, we'll be in for a pay rise." said Annie, determinedly not looking at Jake.

Jake rolled his eyes theatrically. "Work, work, work. That's all you ever do. Can't Sue hunting wait so we can enjoy the Carribean?"

Annie's cheeks went even redder than usual. "W-we've got a j-job to do. E-e-enjoying the C-c-carribean can come l-later." she stuttered. Jake grumbled under his breath and Annie took great gulps of air. For a moment there she had actually thought that Jake had wanted to spend time with her. But Annie would never, ever let Sue hunting wait, on a matter of principle. All right, the principle was a jealous one, but it was a principle all the same.

"You don't actually know where to go, do you?" said Jake, jolting her out of her reverie.

"I do! I just have to wait for my computer to finish downloading the-"

"Pah! Downloads! Just look in the bedrooms!" said Jake, pushing open the nearest door. Inside the cabin (which had somehow been warped in order to look like a prostitute's bedroom) was Will Turner, lying on the bed with the Sue towering over him.

The Sue turned around. As one, Jake and Annie slid their Anti-Sue glasses over their eyes. They would prevent the Sue from having any affect on them.

"Omigod Orly! I mean Will! They've come for me! You've so totally gotta save me!" screamed the Sue, flinging her arms around Will's neck.

"It's another one of Sparklipoo's." Annie said, rolling her eyes. "They've got to be the most annoying out of all of them."

"No way, Bitchiwitch's are the worst. All that angst really takes it out of you."

"Like, what are you talking about?" said the Sue nervously. "I'm so totally destined to be with my widdle Orly-kins!"

"One," said Annie, stepping forwards with a steely glint in her eye, "that's not Orlando Bloom. It's Will Turner, and two, you certainly aren't destined to be with him."

"Yeah, that's Elizabeth's job." said Jake, grinning. The Sue stared at him, almost drooling (but in a totaly polite and sophisticated way.)

"Omigod I'm so totally destined to be with YOU!" screeched the Sue, flinging herself at Jake. Disgusted, Jake sidestepped the Sue, who fell over and crashed into the floor.

"You know, it's amazing how many girls think that." said Jake.

"I've had e-enough of this." said Annie, yanking out her container of Anti-Sue spray. "J-Jake, let's finish her off."

Jake picked up the Sue by her collar and held her at arm's length, mainly because she was trying to smother him with kisses. With his other hand, he grabbed his own container of Anti-Sue spray. The Sue, sensing what was coming, began squirming in his hold and changing shape, desperately hoping that one of her disguises would stop them. Her hair changed from the colour of leaves in autumn (orange, that is, not mushy grey) to the colour of a winter sky to the colour of... I could go on. But I won't.

They both pointed their sprays at the Sue.

"One...two...three!" Annie yelled, and they squirted the Sue in unison.

For one second, nothing happened. Then the Sue exploded, and bright pink sparkly blood splattered all over the cabin walls, which had returned to normal.

Will Turner sat up and groaned, head in hands.

"What just happened?" he mumbled.

"Oh, you were just nearly taken over by the ebodiment of warped canon and forced to forget everything that had happened to you." said Annie. "It helps if you have a drink, you'll get over the shock easier."

"Where's Elizabeth?" he said, looking around for a bottle.

"We'll be returning her shortly. Don't worry. Everything's under control."

"I've been a fool." said Will, swigging his drink.

"Don't worry. It's all under control, trust me." she said.

"Oh yeah, and if I were you I'd get the cabin cleaned sharpish. Sue blood stains like Hell, it really does." said Jake.

"How do you know that?" asked Annie in surprise.

"I like to take pride in my appearance. Clean clothes are very important if you want to look good. And it smells funny."

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Far away, in a castle almost invisible to the naked eye, someone was watching the scene, leaning over a crystal ball. It was a woman, so beautiful that mere words could not contain her beauty. If anyone so much as looked at her, they would either fall in love immediately or explode with jealousy. (Metaphorically, of course. Otherwise she'd never get the stains out of her dresses.)

She had long, thick, wavy blond hair which was never greasy or covered in dandruff. She had long, thick, dark eyelashes ringing the bluest eyes in the whole universe(s). She had pale, creamy skin which was, at the same time, sunkissed. Her figure was perfect, with huge...tracts of land (nudge nudge wink wink say no more) and she was thin, but not too thin. She was dressed in a long, flowing pink gown with white lace edging, wide sleeves, a bodice like a corset, wide skirts, a square neckline showing cleavage, but not too much cleavage. She was also wearing a delicate silver necklace, tiara and earrings. She also had delicate butterfly wings in shades of pale rainbows growing out of her back. Her nails were a glittering pink, and they caught the light as she reached down to pat the head of her familiar, a fluffy white cat with blue eyes and a pink ribbon round its neck.

In short, she was a Mary Sue.

But not any bog standard Mary Sue. This was Lady Sparklipoo, mistress of all Sparklipoo Sues and female Sparklipoo-related canon warping. Lady Sparklipoo watched Annie and Jake defeat her Sue and go back home. She looked angry, but in a breathtakingly beautiful way. Lady Sparklipoo did not like swearing. She was too delicate and ladylike to swear. But if she hadn't been, she would have said something along the lines of this:

"Bugger."

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Et voila! Let me know what you think, reviews would be nice. TTFN!


	2. 2  Lords and Ladies

The Lords and Ladies of Mary Sues everywhere used to live in a place known as the Sueniverse. In the Sueniverse, everyone is perfect. But not one Sue is happy there. While they are surrounded by their own kind, they don't feel perfect, so they feel unhappy. For thousands of years, the Sues were locked in the Sueniverse, and canon was able to run free and frolic in the fields of imagination, or whatever canon does on its days off.

But then the bonds binding the Sueniverse began to weaken, and little by little, the Sues escaped from their prison and canon was no longer safe. That was when the Sue Hunters was formed.

Anyway, the Lords and Ladies had built three strongholds in between the various canon-verses, where they could remain undetected.

Here they are, in all their terrible glory:

Lady Sparklipoo, who we have already met.

Lord Sparklipoo, in charge of all Sparklipoo Stus and male Sparklipoo-related canon warping. He had blonde hair, like his wife, but his was shorter. However, it was still sickeningly golden, wavy, non-greasy and dandruff-free. His eyes were a sparkling blue colour and he had perfect tanned skin, a patented six-pack and muscles and was very tall and white angel wings were growing from in between his shoulder blades. He had several rooms which serviced as a wardrobe, but today he was wearing a white tuxedo and was sitting next to his wife, who was dressed again in a long, flowing pink ballgown.

Lady Bitchiwitch, in charge of all Bitchiwitch Sues and female Bitchiwitch-related canon warping. She had layered, poker-straight black hair with coloured sreaks in it, which changed colour according to her mood. Her eyes were ruby red (not from crying, the irises were actually red) and outlined in thick black eyeliner and black eyeshadow. Her skin was chalk-white. However, this didn't make her look like a monster from a particularly bad B-movie, it suited her. She had a similar figure to Lady Sparklipoo, only she was slightly thinner. Today, she was wearing a black gothic dress, with blood-red ribbons criss-crossing down the front and skirts and sleeves which had been cut to look ragged and layered. For shoes, she was wearing heavy black and silver goth boots. For jewellery, she was wearing lots of silver necklaces with bats, pentacles and upside-down crosses on them. She was also wearing long black silk gloves which came up to her elbows and conveniently hid the scars on her wrists. Black bat wings sprouted out of her back, her canine teeth were retractable fangs and her nails were painted black. Her familiar, a black snake called R'bell, had wound itself around her waist and was hissing contentedly.

Lord Bitchiwitch was in charge of all Bitchiwitch Stus and male Bitchiwitch-related canon warping. He also had poker-straight black hair, and although his was layered as well, it was shorter than his wife's. His eyes were also ruby red and outlined in black eye make-up, and his skin was pale and unblemished. Usually, he wore skinny jeans, but today he was wearing a black tuxedo and cape which made him look like a vampire. Which he was, coincidentally enough. The wings poked through the back of his cape.

Lady Tootsitramp was in charge of all Tootsitramp Sues and female Tootsitramp-related canon warping. She was the only redhead out of the Lords and Ladies, with red curls that tumbled down her back like a fiery waterfall, once again, with no dandruff or grease in her hair. Her eyes were a flashing emerald colour, which made her look like she had ripped off Lily Evans' looks. Usually, she wore extremely revealing clothes, but because it was an important occasion, she had come dressed in a bright red dress with a plunging neckline showing altogether too much cleavage. She wasn't wearing a lot of jewellery, her nails were painted bright red and she was wearing matching lipstick. She had no familiar, but she did have a magical pair of red furry handcuffs which she kept in a red velvet case.

Lord Tootsitramp was in charge of all Tootsitramp Stus and male Tootsitramp-related canon warping. Unlike his wife, he didn't have red hair. His was brown and was cut in what Sue/Stuthors would describe as "in a totallly sexxy waaayyy!!!!!1!!1!!" His eyes were deep brown and changed colour according to his mood, which contradicts itself horribly, but that was what they did. He was wearing a black tuxedo with a white open-necked shirt, which was ridiculously tight and showed off his six-pack.

They had all come together in Tootsitramp's castle to discuss a matter of grave importance.

They watched, none of them speaking, as Jake and Annie defeated the Sue with practised ease and were debriefed in the Sue Hunter headquarters.

There was a tense, uncomfortable silence.

Then Lady Bitchiwitch said "Fuck! That fucking bitch!"

"Couldn't agree more." said Lord Bitchiwitch, sounding rather bored and impatient.

"She's always fucking fucking up the fucking plans! God!"

"She's certainly the brains of the operation." said Lady Tootsitramp. "The boy provides the looks."

"Wasn't he, like, totally one of your Stus, Tootsitramp?" said Lady Sparklipoo, with just the faintest hint of anger.

All heads turned to look at Lord Tootsitramp.

"Yeah. Unfortunately, he developed a personality. Round about when he met _her_." he said, indicating the frozen image of Annie on the screen.

"She so totally fancies him." said Lady Sparklipoo. "It's like, majorly obvious."

"Why are we sitting around fucking talking? We need to get fucking back at those fucking bitches!" yelled Lady Bitchiwitch.

"She's right." said Lord Sparklipoo. "The Sue Hunters have been stopping us from reaching our full potential. We've got to take them out of action."

"Them specifically or just the Sue Hunters in general?" asked Lady Tootsitramp, stroking her handcuffs.

"Either's good."

Suddenly, the screen started to flash and beep. It flashed into life and began to show Annie. She was fast asleep. The camera zoomed in, Lady Tootistramp snapped her fingers and it began to play Annie's dream.

In Annie's dream, she was holding a bottle of mysterious pink liquid which glittered and sparkled.

"Isn't that the-?"

"Ssshh!"

She unscrewed the lid and glugged down the bottle's contents all in one go. Instantly, she began to change. Her hair grew longer, thicker, richer. Her eyes grew brighter and her glasses disappeared. She grew taller, her stomach grew thinner and her figure became perfect. Her complexion became less tomato-like.

She had become a Mary Sue.

And there was Jake. He ran towards her and kissed her.

The dream vanished. Annie jerked up in bed, panting. Her hands were shaking. She ran her hands over her face, to make sure it was still her own. She was obviously scared, but whether it was because she had seen herself as a Sue, or because she hadn't woken up screaming, none could tell.

"I think we've found our plan."


	3. 3 The Rivals

Okaaayyyy, time for Chapter 3! As you are probably aware, I am not the proud owner of Harry Potter or any of its characters, becuase if I was, I wouldn't be writing this. Enjoy! By the way, there is quite a lot of swearing in this chapter, so cover your ears!

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The next day, Jake and Annie had made their excuses and were currently hiding behind a bush outside a dark, foreboding castle.

"It's a Bitchiwitch." Annie said, after looking at her palm top. "Thyyme Onyx Sara Sussannah Evans-Rolex. Another daughter of Voldemort's who's fallen in love with Draco and has been molested by various Death Eaters. Standard, really."

"You alright?" said Jake, looking at her in a concerned way.

"W-what?"

"You just look really tired, that's all."

"Oh." she said, blushing. "I...I just had a bad dream last night."

"Aaawww, diddums. Tell Uncle Jake all about it."

"I-I'd r-rather not."

"Oh. _Oh_. One of _those_ dreams, was it?"

"I have n-no idea w-what you mean."

"Sure."

"A-anyway, we're getting distracted. W-we've got to get rid of this S-sue now." Annie rearranged herself so that when she was looking towards the castle Jake wouldn't be able to see her face.

Suddenly, they heard a rustling noise.

"Someone's coming!" hissed Jake, pushing Annie's head down behind the bush.

"Who is it?"

"Oh...it's...it's no-one."

"It's those two again, isn't it?"

"Yeah."

"But this is our mission! They shouldn't be here!"

"You know what Bianca's like. She just can't resist my sexy body."

Annie said nothing.

"And I think that Whatshisface has got a bit of a thing going for you. Wants to take you out on a _mission_ somewhere, if you get my meaning. Show you his weapons and all that jazz."

"Sh-shut up! A-and a-anyway, I d-d-don't like him l-like that."

"Whatever. D'you think they can see us?"

"Y-yes. That's why they're coming over."

"Could we just run away?"

"I d-doubt it."

Bianca, a tall lanky girl with almost fluorescent blonde hair and an orange tan, was walking towards their hiding place, hips swaying like a yo-yo gone wrong. Trotting along behind her was a boy with mousy brown hair that stuck up like a scrubbing brush, who was universally known as Whatshisface. He gave Annie a shy smile. She looked away and did not return it.

"Well, well, well. Ladies and gentlemen, the world's first human bookworm." Bianca smirked. She seemed to be under the impression that she had just delivered a witty, scathing and sarcastic insult.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the world's first fluorescent girl." Annie muttered. Jake sniggered. Bianca may have blushed, but it was hard to tell underneath the fake tan.

"You shouldn't be insulting _me_, Barnes, because i I'm /i just doing my job."

Annie glared at her. No-one said anything. You could almost taste her anger in the air.

"Don't you ever, _ever_, accuse me of not doing my job, Bianca Throckmorton." Annie hissed.

Bianca blushed, and she blushed so red that you could see it under her tan.

"It's not Throckmorton, actually." she said, glowering. "Now I'm Bianca Jenkinsson."

Jake snorted with laughter.

They all turned to look at him.

"BJ." he said, almost apologetically.

Bianca burst into very fake, high-pitched laughter. "Jake, you're so funny!"

Annie's eyes narrowed.

They got into the Sue's idea of Voldemort's secret evil lair fairly easily (and finding it had been even easier - seeing as it practically had "Secret Evil Lair" written all over it) and it was totally deserted.

They were walking in twos, Bianca clinging onto Jake's arm at the front, and Annie skulking along behind with Whatshisface.

"Oh Jake it's so scary here!" gushed Bianca. "It's so empty and deserted!"

"That's because the action in the story is happening somewhere else. The Suethor does not consider what other characters may be doing while her Sue is in the vicinity. They...aren't important enough." said Annie, glaring at the back of Bianca's head.

Bianca turned around and glared right back at her. "I wasn't talking to _you_." she said disdainfully.

Annie scowled. In front of them, Bianca laughed too loudly at something Jake had said.

"You know," said Whatshisface shyly, "you...I mean...you're...er...you..."

"Save it for later." said Annie, cutting him off mid-compliment. "I'm working."

"Oh." said Whatshisface. "Nothing comes between you and your work. I should have remembered."

"Yes. You should've." she said curtly, yanking open a door and peering inside.

They walked on in silence for a little longer (well, Annie, Jake and Whatshisface did. Bianca just kept talking for all of them), occasionally yanking open doors and peering inside.

Jake opened the last door in the corridor. Three people were inside it. One had blonde hair; one was as white as chalk and the other...

"It's the Sue!" hissed Annie, fingers curling around the handle of her Anti-Sue Spray.

Thyyme Onyx Sara Sussannah Evans-Rolex had long, straight black hair, which was purple at the roots and red at the tips. Her eyes were flashing in between black and red and her face was covered in white foundation, black eye make-up and lipstick. She was dressed in a tiny black miniskirt, a black and purple T-shirt, red fishnets and black Goth boots. Draco was holding her in his arms and Voldemort was screaming at the two of them.

"YOU FUCKING BITCH I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU YOU FUCKING SLUT!!!11!!!1!" Voldemort yelled.

"Do we have to go in now? Can't we just let him kill her first?" Jake whispered to Annie.

"No! If we do that, the fic will have finished and the Sue will have won!" Annie hissed back. "And I, for one, won't let that happen."

"You idiot! You'll be killed if you go in there now! I mean, Voldemort is a nutcase at the best of times, but he'll be blasting curses left, right, centre and everywhere else in between! There's no way you'll survive that!"

Annie said nothing.

Then she said "I've got a job to do. I intend to do it."

And she walked out into the room.

Whatshisface stared at her open-mouthed, and then followed her.

Jake, obviously smarting at the fact that Whatshisface had shown more bravery than he had, slunk in afterwards and tried to look as though he had got there first.

Bianca followed too, but only because Jake was there.

All three characters turned to look at them.

"Thyyme Onyx Sara Sussannah Evans-Rolex?" Annie asked.

"Yeah?" said the Sue.

"I'm going to have to ask you to come with me." she said.

"Well you can ask all you like bitch cuz I'm not gonna go!!" she yelled.

Annie sighed, and then pulled out the most murderous-looking gun any of them had ever seen. Everyone stepped back.

"You see here?" she said, pointing to a small vial of sludgy green liquid along the barrel of the gun. "This is pure Anti-Sue Formula. Each bullet is coated with it. One drop of the liquid can disable twenty Sues at once. Very powerful stuff."

"I thought they were still developing that." Jake hissed. Annie blushed slightly.

"The point is, I am going to shoot you with it. Now, either you can come with me, and I'll be the only one who'll have the pleasure of witnessing your violent and messy death, or I'll shoot you now and you can have an audience. Which would you prefer?"

"I'M NOT GOING TO FUCKING LET YOU FUCKING KILL ME YOU FUCKING BITCH!!1!!1!ELEVEN!!!"

"Oh well." Annie sighed, and pulled the trigger. Jake, Whatshisface and Bianca all threw themselves to the floor. Draco and Voldemort sprang out of the way. Obviously, Annie's almost legendary complete lack of weapons skills had got around.

She'd actually been aiming for the Sue's heart, but the ASF-tipped bullet ended up going through the Sue's knee. Still, it didn't matter. It only meant that she'd take slightly longer to explode. The Sue didn't seem to have realised this.

"HAH! YOU FUCKING MISSED!" she yelled.

Annie turned around.

"How long d'you think she's got?" she said, looking at Jake.

"From that shot? About fifteen seconds." said Whatshisface. A brief flicker of annoyance crossed Annie's face, but no-one saw it apart from Jake before she turned around again.

"Fifteen...ten...five, four, three, two, one..."

The Sue exploded. Bright pink sparkly blood spattered the walls, the floor and everything else in between.

Annie took off her glasses and wiped them clean, and then spat out a mouthful of Sue blood.

"Evanesco." said Voldemort, a little sluggishly. The Sue blood vanished.

"Thanks." said Annie, smiling at him.

He glared at her. "Why didn't you let me kill it?"

"If you had killed her, then she would have won, and the fic would have been completed. And I wanted to try out this new gun." she said sheepishly.

Voldemort rolled his eyes. "Muggles." he muttered.

Far away, in the Sues' stronghold, the Lords and Ladies winced.

"Her?" said Lord Sparklipoo doubtfully. "She's a psychopath!"

"A psychopath with a weakness." said Lord Tootsitramp.

"Can't say I blame her." said his wife. He glared at her.

"I don't know..." said Lord Bitchiwitch, in a rare moment of rationality."Are you sure she's fucking worth it?"

"Are you fucking crazy? Once she's on our fucking side we're on the fucking road to fucking victory!" said Lady Bitchiwitch.

"Yeah! I mean, we've only gotta, like, persuade her and then she's totally on our side!" squealed Lady Sparklipoo, clapping her hands in delight.

"Fuck it. I'll meet her on her next fucking mission, then I'll fucking persuade her to fucking well join us!" said Lady Bitchiwitch.

"You go girl!"

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Well there you go! Please review with any suggestions, they are always appreciated!


	4. 4 To Kill a Bitchiwitch

Annie and Jake stood outside Edoras, hiding in the bushes with a pair of binoculars, looking for the Sue. They were both wearing costumes which would help them blend in to Middle Earth. Annie was wearing a green peasant-style dress which made her look like a short fat green bean, and Jake was wearing a similarly Medieval get-up which made him look like Robin Hood, only sexier.

"At least it's not those bloody jumpsuits again." Annie grumbled, plucking at her dress in distaste. "But I swear that this dress makes me look like a vegetable."

"Sort of like a broad bean with hair."

"Hey!"

Jake gave her his most charming grin. Annie gulped, and looked back through the binoculars.

"I c-can't see her. We...we were given a description, right?"

Jake sighed. "As per usual. There's three pages of this crap."

"What, the whole fic?"

"No, the description."

Annie winced. "Ouch."

"You said it. I couldn't be bothered to read the whole thing though. Just look out for someone glittery."

Annie rolled her eyes. "You know we're supposed to read the whole description so that we - "

"No way! It's Eowyn!" yelled Jake, snatching the binoculars out of Annie's hands. "She's so hot!"

Annie stood up. "I...I'm going to look around for the Sue." she said, and her voice had a hard edge to it which Jake failed to pick up.

She strode off into the forest, debating whether to cry or not. After several moments of blinking to see if any tears were going to fall, she took a deep breath and drew herself up.

"God! What's with all the fucking tears?!" said a voice from behind a tree.

Annie flinched. "Who's there?" she said, eyes darting all around the forest.

Someone stepped out from behind a tree. Someone with deep black hair with green streaks in. (Well, for today, anyway)

"Hah! Bitch! Didn't fucking see this one fucking coming, did you?" said Lady Bitchiwitch.

Annie blinked. "I'm sorry?"

"You weren't fucking well expecting me fucking here, were you?"

"Obviously. If I had been I wouldn't have come in here crying, now would I?"

Lady Bitchiwitch glared at her. A tree behind her burst into flames.

"You're fucking telling me you don't fucking know who I fucking am?" she said, her streaks turning red.

"Do I have to spell it out for you?"

"For fuck's sake! I'm Lady fucking Bitchiwitch!! God! Don't you fucking know anything?!"

Annie's eyes widened and she took several hasty steps back. "That's not good."

"Shut the fuck up, bitch! Can't you just fucking listen to me?!"

Annie's hands patted her pockets, but they were empty apart from a penknife, a few bits of string, and a patch of goo which was once Anti Sue Formula.

"I've fucking well got a fucking proposition for you, you fucker! Can't you fucking well listen!" yelled Lady Bitchiwitch.

Annie began to panic. She wasn't wearing her Anti-Sue glasses, and was already beginning to feel light-headed and vaguely sparkly. Then, she had an idea.

"Okay. Here's the fucking deal - hey, you aren't even fucking listening to me!"

Annie span around and yankied her penkife out of her pocket. She pulled out the knife attatchment and sliced through the nearest branch. Then she dipped the branch into the ASF goo in her pocket and advanced towards Lady Bitchiwitch.

Lady Bitchiwitch burst out laughing.

"Oh my fucking God! That's the fucking funniest fucking thing I've seen in fucking ages! Fucking goo on a fucking stick!"

She didn't notice that Annie was now within arm's length, she was too busy laughing at her.

Annie seized her chance and stabbed Lady Bitchiwitch in the heart with her makeshift Anti-Sue Stake. It didn't work as well as she had planned, probably because the goo was extremely old and had lost some of its potency.

Lady Bitchiwitch gasped.

"YOU FUKCING BITCH WHORE!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!!!!GHDFKJGHSDK58564!!1!!!!!1TY54TRE1!!!!!!" she yelled, pink sparkly blood dribbling from her mouth. "I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU FUCKING DID THAT!!!!!!!!DFLGKDFG1111!!!!!!2KHFJDGHYU8394P30O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

She fell onto her knees, still screaming, and hacking up gallons of sparkly pink blood. Annie stepped back a little, feeling vaguely unnerved.

"I WAS FUCKING TRYING TO FUCKING HELP YOU, YOU FUCKING SLUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DKFGHK3UOIR4UOIU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lady Bitchiwitch screamed.

"I...I don't need your help." Annie said quietly.

"DON'T YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND???!?!??!!?"!!11!"!"! HE WOULD HAVE FUCKING LOVED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111!!!!!!!43OTUYERKIWERFDMN!""!"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she yelled.

Annie's face set into a deadly stare.

"And that would have been...nice. But I will never join you, Lady Bitchiwitch. That's why I killed you." Annie said quietly, her hazel eyes looking very sad.

"FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lady Bitchiwitch screamed. She gave a shudder, a gasp, and then disappeared.

Far away, in Castle Bitchiwitch, the eyes of the Lords and Ladies widened in shock. Lady Bitchiwitch materialised on the castle floor, shuddering and gasping for breath.

Lord Bitchiwitch ran over to her.

"Snugglebunnikinspie!" he said, cradling Lady Bitchiwitch in his arm. "Don't fucking leave me all by my fucking self!!!!111!!!1!11"

"It's OK, my sweetumsdarlinglovelypoo," Lady Bitchiwitch croaked, "I was never very happy in this life. Teh darkness had consumed my soul, now it consumes the rest of me. I...I can feel myself plunging into the abysssss..." she proclaimed, while staring into Lord Bitchiwitch's frantically colour-changing eyes.

"NO!!1!! What will I do without you?!!?1!1!! Who will I listen to Evanesence with?!!/1!! WHO WILL SHARE MY PAAAAIINNN???!//1??!!"

"I...I..." Lady Bitchiwitch gasped "I only regret leaving you behind...my lovelydarkherogothicangelvampirefromhell..."

"No!!1!1! NO!!1!!!1111!!!"

Lady Bitchiwitchgave one last shudder, rolled over and died. And in every single story where a Bitchiwitch Sue was involved, the Sues just stopped.

There was a long, awkward silence.

Then, finally, Lord Bitchiwitch screamed "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!1!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!!!!1!!"


	5. 5 The Boss

Well, I really have no excuse for keeping you all waiting so long, so please forgive me. Once again, I don't own HP, LOTR etc. Only the Sues. Enjoy!

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When Jake and Annie got back to the Sue Hunters Headquarters it was to find an enormous party. Someone had hung up a banner that read "Ding dong the Bitchiwitch is dead" and streamers were flying everywhere. The alcohol had already been broken out, and several of the admin staff were already very tipsy.

"Jake!" squealed Bianca, launching herself on top of him. Whatshisface trailed along behind her, beaming at Annie. "I can't believe it! You killed Lady Bitchiwitch!"

Annie glared at her. "Actually, Bianca-" she began.

"Nope. Annie did." Jake said, cutting Annie off.

"Excuse me?" Bianca said coolly.

"It's exactly what it sounds like, Bianca. If you don't believe me, just take a look at all of her Sues. They've stopped."

Bianca scowled. She opened her mouth to say something insulting.

"Looks like I beat you." Annie said, smirking at Bianca and feeling as though she was on top of the world.

"Annie! Over here!" someone yelled. It was Annie's stepsister Carrie, and Annie was dragged away from Jake, Bianca and Whatshisface before any more arguments could ensue. Jake watched her go with a strange expression on his face. He was a Stu, and as such, he had been created, and had never had any family. Sometimes, in the dead of night, he couldn't stop himself from wondering what it was like.

"Annie, the boss has asked to see you! In person! I've never seen him look so happy!"

"Really? Oh, wow! This is great!"

Annie and Carrie stepped into the boss's office. It was a small, dingy room that reeked of stale coffee and cat hair and was crammed with hundreds of filing cabinets. On the walls were maps of hundreds of different universes - Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Pirates of the Carribean and some Annie had never even heard of - and all of them had tiny little red pins stuck into them. But the map which drew everyone's eyes was the one behind the crowded, junk-covered desk, labelled "The Sueniverse".

It was totally blank.

Well, not _totally_ blank. Some joker had got a bright pink crayon, drawn a castle and scribbled "t3h CaSteL 0f t3h Suueezzz!!! LOL!!11!!!!11!!" in the middle of the map, and no-one had really worked out how to get it off.

"He is here, right?" Annie whispered to Carrie. Carrie was short, like Annie, but she was thinner and had darker hair and a very pointy nose.

"I am here." said a low, melodious voice.

Annie turned around, and for the first time in her life, saw her boss. Usually he preferred to keep his true identity a secret - some said it was because he had had a nasty accident age seventeen involving his face, a road drill, a vengeful Eskimo (sorry, Inuit) and twenty tons of plasticine - but Annie could tell that this was not true.

The boss had brown hair that stuck up in all directions. His face was covered in spots and he wore thick glasses that magnified his eyes. His teeth stuck out at odd angles and were chipped and yellowing. Annie stepped backwards. In short, he looked like an incredibly creepy zombie nerd. Annie, who had once seen a zombie nerd movie, was terrified.

"So you were the one who killed off Bitchiwitch?" said the zombie nerd Annie knew as "The Boss".

Annie nodded and gulped. She considered herself a nerd, and truth be told, she was rather proud of it, but seeing a person who looked so much like a nerdy member of the living dead was already making her wish she knew something about popular music. Maybe it would work like vampires and garlic...

The boss smiled. "I'm very proud of you." It was amazing, Annie thought, how someone who looked like a total zombie nerd could have such a lovely voice.

"Th-Thankyou, sir." she whispered.

"You have proved yourself more than worthy of us, Annie. You're certainly a great credit to us."

Annie blushed and smiled, but didn't say anything. She was too scared.

"And Jake has come such a long way under your teaching. He's let go of all his Stu tendencies. He's almost completely normal."

Annie's ears pricked up. This didn't sound good.

"So I have another offer for you. It's another teaching position, but it will be your last one. In light of your recent victory, I've decided to give you time off for good behaviour."

"What does that mean, sir?"

"Once you complete this teaching position, your Writer's Block will be lifted."

Annie gasped. No more Writer's Block...it was almost too brilliant to believe...

When Annie was younger, she had been something of a Suethor. She was one of the most feared Suethors around, until one day, her stepsister, who was then involved in the Sue Hunters, had opened her eyes. Carrie had made her see how incredibly crap her writing had been, and, filled with shame and remorse, she had gone to Sue Hunters HQ to repent. Her offer of helping to worm out the Sues had been accepted, but on one condition. Annie was to receive the Writer's Block.

The Writer's Block is almost like a curse, and it is only reserved for those Suethors who are particularly relentless. It is literally a block in the mind, preventing the Suethor in question from writing until it is lifted. To Annie, this had been a real blow. But now it was being lifted...

"So what do you say? Jake's more than capable of surviving on his own." said the boss.

The mention of Jake's name brought her back to reality. Wonderful though the lifting of the Writer's Block may be, she didn't want to leave Jake.

"Erm..." she said, blushing very red. Thankfully, the room was incredibly badly lit, and no-one could see.

"Can I think about it?"

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In Castle Bitchiwitch, the Lords and Ladies were meeting again. Only now, they were five. As Lord Bitchiwitch was reminding them.

"NNOOOOO!!1!!11!!! HOW CAN I GO ON WITHOUT MY LOVEYDOVEYGOTHICANGELVAMPIRESEXYBABE BY MY SIDE?????f/DGsDFNG/SJD!!!!211!!" he wailed, although he wailed it in a totally sexy and adorable way, I must add.

Lady Sparklipoo rolled her eyes. "Like, are you done yet? It's sooo totally boring listening to you, like, crying and stuff." she said.

"Bitchiwitch has a point." said Lord Tootsitramp. "We cannot operate properly when one of us is missing. We are considerably weakened."

Lord Bitchiwitch stopped wailing, but a single, crystalline tear trickled down his alabaster cheek. But this was no ordinary single crystalline tear - it was a single, crystalline tear OF BLOOD!

"What are you saying?" said Lord Bitchiwitch.

Lord Tootsitramp sighed. "I'm saying that we need a new Lady Bitchiwitch, idiot."

At that moment, Lord Bitchiwitch's ruby red eyes lit up. He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "A new Lady Bitchiwitch, eh?"

"Precisely."

Lord Bitchiwitch's eyes positively shone with excitement. Picking a mortal girl and claiming her for his immortal and devastatingly beautiful vampire queen for all eternity was one of his favourite pastimes!

"And perhaps," continued Lord Tootsitramp, "you could mix in some revenge along the way..."

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Annie and Carrie left the boss's office after swearing that they wouldn't tell a soul what he really looked like. Annie found that away from the stuffy atmosphere, and her creepy zombie nerd lookalike boss, she was a lot less nervous, and was even prepared to enjoy herself.

"Annie!" called Jake, running over to her. Annie's nerves returned with a vengence. "What did the boss want?"

"H-He's offered me a new position." she stammered.

Jake's face changed. "Oh." he said.

"Mmm." said Annie. "And if a take it, I'll get my Writer's Block lifted."

"I see." said Jake.

"It's a teaching position - I'll be de-Sueifying again."

"You have fun with that." said Jake, turning away.

"What's his problem?" said Carrie, glaring at Jake's retreating back.

"I don't know." said Annie, blushing.

"Well, let's not bother ourselves with the likes of him." said Carrie, steering Annie towards the punch bowl. "It's your night tonight - so we'll have fun."

Unfortunately, Carrie's definition of fun was "Let's get totally pissed and embarrass ourselves in completely unpredictable ways." and Annie's was not. So while her sister performed the famous "Pointy Hat Trick", Annie went into the garden for some fresh air.

The garden at Sue HQ was beautiful - there was no denying it. It was a place where the hunters could relax after their missions, and was sometimes used for Anti-Sue therapy classes. Annie liked it there - and she remembered that it was the first place she had seen Jake.

The Jake she had first met was insufferable. While he was devastatingly sexy, he had been annoying, rude, pushy, and thought she was totally incapable of doing anything herself. A quick blast of Anti Sue Formula to the face had soon taken care of that. It had also stopped the sunlight pinging off his teeth and blinding her. How much had changed, she thought, how startling it was to go from hatred to devotion so quickly...

Annie could see two people attatched to each other's faces at the end of the garden. She ignored them, and continued to think about Jake.

But then, she stopped. She stared. And she recognised them.

The two people at the bottom of the garden were Jake and Bianca.

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Dun dun DUUUUHHHHH!!!!!! insert Eastenders theme here Oh noes! But before the next chapter is up, I must remind you all to FEED THE REVIEW JUNKIE, DAMMIT! Ahem. Thankyou. Bye bye now!


	6. 6 The Battle

Okay! Here we go! But before our tale commences, I must remind you that I do not own Lord of the Rings (the claim has been dissed) and there is, as ever, some bad language. Now off we go!

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Annie was in the garden again.

It was about two in the afternoon, and she was standing with her boss (the zombie nerd) near the edge of the lawn. The light was filtered through the leaves of an enormous conker tree looming over them, giving it a greenish tinge, and making her boss look as though he had been dead for a few days.

Annie glared at the bark of the tree. Ever since she had seen Jake and Bianca together she had been in a foul mood, and she had jumped at the chance to take this new job - as far away from Jake as it was possible to get. She didn't know what Jake was going to do now - and she kept telling herself she didn't care - but she couldn't stop herself from glancing at the bottom of the garden with angry eyes.

Wisely, the boss had decided that he wasn't going to talk to her for a bit.

Then, three people started to walk towards them.

"Ah." said the boss, in his low and melodious voice. "Here they are now."

Annie glared at them. There were two Sue Hunters, flanking a boy she did not recognise. From where she was standing (about a hundred and fifty metres away) it was hard to make out his features, but then -

SHAZAM.

Then the boy stepped into a patch of sunlight, and he seemed to sparkle and shine. Annie took a step backwards, temporarily blinded as the obligatory descriptions began:

This boy had pitch black hair that shone with an almost blue sheen. It was cut so it fell across his face in a side fringe, and was, to everyone's complete surprise, layered. Note the sarcasm, please. He had bright, piercing blue eyes that were ringed with thick, black eyeliner, and quite possibly mascara. His skin was very pale, so pale that the sunlight bounced off it and blinded passers-by, and it was completely flawless. He was tall and quite thin, but for some strange reason that defied all the laws of biology, he had flawless muscles. He was dressed in black skinny jeans, a black band T-shirt, and black Vans. In his own words, he was "working that evil sexyness".

I kid you not.

"He's a Bitchiwitch, right?" said Annie, rubbing her eyes.

"But of course." said the boss.

"Hey." said the boy, in a very depressed-sounding voice. "You're Annie Baines, right?"

"That's me." said Annie, noting the boy's look of disdain. "And you?"

"I have many names." said the boy, an enigmatic look on his face. "Some call me-"

"Just pick one." Annie interrupted.

He scowled at her. "Fine. I'm Byron Addams Storm Tardis Akito Raoul Darcy."

Annie raised her eyebrows.

"Do you want to hear my other names?" said Byron Addams Storm Tardis Akito Raoul Darcy hopefully.

"No." said Annie quickly. "But now, I'm calling you Brian."

"It's _Byron_, actually."

"It's Brian now."

"Brian has already been re-educated." said the boss, before _Byron_ could argue his case any further. "You'll be diving straight in; it's Lord of the Rings this time. Elrond asked for you specifically."

Annie blushed. "He did?"

"Well, after the plague of Elvish princesses he's been especially...wary."

"I see." said Annie.

"Well then," said Brian impatiently, "what are we waiting for?"

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Some time later, Brian and Annie were sitting in on the Council of Elrond, half making sure no Sues got in, and half listening in to their conversation about the fate of Middle Earth. Annie was particularly distracted - the Lord of the Rings trilogy had always been her favourite books, and to witness one of the major plot points was an experience she wasn't about to forget. Unfortunately, they had been transported into fanon - and it wasn't so much the Council of Elrond as Peter Jackson's idea of the Council of Elrond. This annoyed Annie immensely, but she said nothing.

So far, nothing had happened.

Not one Sue (or Stu, for that matter) had interrupted the proceedings, and Annie was beginning to get quite restless. A big event like the Council of Elrond should have Sues storming in on all sides, but neither she nor Brian had noticed anything. It was very quiet.

Almost...too quiet.

Later, when Annie looked back on what happened next, she often thought that she should have seen it coming.

An Elf burst into the hall, panic all over his face.

"They're here!" he gasped. "Thousands of them! They're trying to storm the gates!"

"What, orcs?" asked Boromir.

The Elf shook his head and gulped. "Worse than orcs."

Elrond stood up, his face pale and serious. "It is them. The Beautiful Ones."

Everyone apart from Legolas and Gandalf looked at him questioningly.

"The Sues."

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Annie, Brian, the Fellowship of the Ring and half the leves in Rivendell rushed over to the main gate. Everyone and dunked their weapons in concentrated Anti-Sue Formula, and Annie was wielding the same enormous gun she had used on Thyyme Onyx Sara Sussannah Evans-Rolex in a previous chapter. When she saw the attacking force, she gasped.

The Elf had been wrong.

The attacking force was made entirely of Stus.

There were thousands of them. All tall, thin and muscled, with hair and eyes every colour of the rainbow, brandishing mysterious, sparkly weapons and yelling chilling battle cries such as:

"ZoMfG!!!1!1!! No WaI!!!!111!"

"UrE sUcH a FuCkInNg BiOtCh!!1!!!!!1212!2!"

"No1 UnDeRrStAnDs MeEeEeeEEeEEE!!111111!!!!1!"

Annie's hand tightened around the handle of her gun. Everyone gulped.

"M-My guess is th-they're B-Bitchiwitch's lot." Annie stuttered, pushing her glasses higher up her face. "I th-think they're wearing b-black nail p-polish."

Brian hurriedly shoved his hands into his pockets.

"Well..." said Aragorn, eyeing the sparkly army with alarm, "...now what?"

"G-Get killing!"

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Legolas's arrows were drenched in Anti-Sue Formula, and as he fired them in quick succession, the Stus exploded in a mass of sparkly pink blood. Aragorn and Boromir had dunked their swords in ASF too, and one touch from their weapons would make a Stu spontaneously combust, in a mass of pink sparkles. Gimli seemed to be enjoying himself particularly well as he cleaved a path through the Stus, leaving a trail of sparkly pink carnage behind him.

Brian had run off somewhere. Annie hadn't hit a thing.

And then, _he_ came.

Towering over them all like a dark, monstrous, but totally sexy shadow, was the figure of Lord Bitchiwitch.

Annie's jaw tightened. She span around.

"Brian!" she yelled. "Chuck me some more bullets!"

Brian was nowhere to be seen.

"Dammit!" she swore, rummaging in her pockets for more ammunition. The shadowy figure of Lord Bitchiwitch (which, I forgot to mention, was now flying around on large bat wings) began to laugh evilly, in a voice that would send shivers down even Sauron's spine.

Then, Brian reappeared.

"Brian!" yelled Annie. "Where's the damn bullets?"

Brian took a step towards her, a strange look on his face. Annie took a step backwards.

"My name," said Brian, "is Byron Addams Storm Tardis Akito Raoul Darcy."

Annie pointed her gun at him. "I knew there was something fishy about you." she said, stepping backwards again.

Byron Addams Storm Tardis Akito Raoul Darcy reached forwards and wrenched the now harmless gun out of Annie's hands. She gulped. Byron Addams Storm Tardis...oh what the hell, _Byron_ laughed quietly.

"I'm terribly sorry about all of this." he said, throwing the gun into the bushes.

Annie turned and ran, but in the blink of an eye, Byron was behind her, forcing her arms into a half-nelson. She was stuck.

Lord Bitchiwitch descended from the sky, folding away his giant bat wings and landing gracefully right in front of them. He smiled, his fangs flashing in the light.

"You have done well, Byron." he said.

"Thankyou, master." said Byron, inclining his head respectfully.

"You...You _bastard_!" spat Annie. "You're both a pair of bastards!"

Lord Bitchiwitch put a hand to his forehead and clutched his heart, as though Annie had wounded him in some very theatrical way. "Such harsh words coming from such a pretty face!"

Annie glared at him, her cheeks flushing red. "Are you being sarcastic?"

"For the present, yes. But in time, that will change."

"What do you mean?"

Lord Bitchiwitch smirked in a devilishly sexy sort of way. "I thought you were supposed to be the smart one."

Annie thought for a moment. And then, it all clicked into place.

Her mouth fell open.

"_Me?_" she said, in a tone of total and utter disbelief.

Lord Bitchiwitch grinned again. He threw back his head and laughed evilly, trying to draw the attention of the main characters towards him. It worked spectularly.

"Don't look at him!" Annie screamed frantically. "Ignore him! It's a trap!"

But it was too late. The main characters of Lord of the Rings were all staring at Lord Bitchiwitch, Byron and Annie in horror. Byron clamped his hand over Annie's mouth, and began to "work that evil sexyness" as he so eloquently put it. Lord Bitchiwitch spread his wings, grateful for a full audience at last, and grabbed Annie and Byron. Then, all three of them disappeared.

The boss, who had been watching the whole escapade from a specially modified TV in his office, sat back in his chair and ran his fingers through his hair. He opened his mouth to speak.

"Oh _shit_."

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Well then! There we go! I apologise that there was no Jake in this chapter, but there soon will be, and we'll all get our first taste of Sue Logic very shortly. Adios, and never forget the review junkie!


	7. 7 Castle Bitchiwitch

And here it is! I know you've all just been dying to hear more of what happened to Annie (not literally, I hope) so here you are! I should warn you, there is Lord Bitchiwitch in this chapter, so expect a LOT of bad language. Amazingly, there is also the possibility that I own everything in this chapter. If I missed anything, then I don't own it. Enjoy!

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News within the Sue Hunters always spread like wildfire, no matter how trivial. Even without the boss putting out a red alert, the news would have gotten around the entire organisation in under twenty minutes anyway. Most of the Sue Hunters had far too much time on their hands, and lived for gossip, but with Jake, this was not the case. Due to his incredibly Stu-ish nature, he was inclined to be sympathetic to gossip, but only if he was the one who had caused it.

Usually, this was true.

But after he heard the gossip about him and Bianca at the Sue Hunters' party - and after he heard that Annie had been crying for days - he wasn't feeling quite so sure. He kept getting a nasty twinge of guilt whenever he thought about Annie, and after getting thirty calls in quick succession about what really happened at the party, Jake had switched off his communicator.

Which turned out to be a very bad idea.

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The Sue Hunters assembled quickly at HQ. Their faces were serious, and their voices were low and quiet, as though someone had died.

Everyone was there apart from Jake and Carrie. Carrie wasn't there because Annie had officially been declared missing, and Annie and Carrie's parents wouldn't let Carrie out of their sight. She'd explained all this to her boss and then burst into tears, and her parents had rushed into her room again.

The Sue Hunters didn't know why Jake wasn't there.

But, as the Sue Hunters were told the bad news, Jake was in the garden. The paper boy cycled past and tossed a newspaper into Jake's garden, and Jake shot out a hand and caught it. He unfolded it, saw the front page and felt as though his stomach had dropped away.

On the front page was a picture of Annie, and the headline read:

TEENAGE GIRL DISAPPEARS

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Annie opened her eyes. She was lying on a bed in a strange room that she had never seen before.

"Ow..." she mumbled. She ached all over, and everything was dark and blurry.

"You're awake." stated a voice.

Annie rolled over and buried her face into the pillows.

"That's not what's fucking supposed to fucking happen!" said the voice, somewhat irritably.

"Five more minutes..." Annie mumbled.

"You're fucking doing this all fucking wrong!" said the voice. "You're not fucking supposed to fucking go back to sleep! How fucking long do you think I've been fucking waiting for? Just fucking get up!"

A familiar feeling of dread began to creep into the pit of Annie's stomach as she began to recognise the voice.

"You're fucking supposed to fucking sit up and fucking say "Where the fuck am I?" and fucking be all fucking cute and adorable!" said the voice, growing more familiar by the minute. Annie screwed up her eyes, trying to make herself wake up. This was all a dream, she told herself. Just a dream...

"And then I'm supposed to go "You're fucking in my fucking castle, bitch" and then you've got to fucking go..."

"Oh do shut up." mumbled Annie sleepily. Surprisingly, it worked. The voice lapsed into silence for a few minutes, and then began to mumble under its breath.

"...should have fucking well ignored the fucker...fucking stupid suggestion...fucking idiot...fuck..."

Annie groaned inwardly. Great.

"Fine. I'm up." she said, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. She took a look around.

Everything was a blur without her glasses on, but one aspect of the room was easy to make out. The room she was in was black. The carpet was black, the walls were black, the curtains were a very dark purple that was almost black, and the four poster bed she was sitting on was black. The wardrobe was black, the door was black, the windowsill was black, the ceiling was black, and I could go on listing all the other things in the room that were black, but I won't. I think the message has sunk in by now.

Annie reached for the bedside table (also black) felt around a bit, and found her glasses. She put them on.

Lord Bitchiwitch, sitting on the end of the bed, swam into focus. He looked at her expectantly.

"Well?" he said.

Annie was confused. "Well what?" she asked.

"Don't I fucking get some kind of fucking reaction?" moaned Lord Bitchiwitch, almost pleadingly. "You're fucking supposed to say "Who the fuck are you?" or gasp "You!" in a fucking surprised tone of fucking voice! You're not fucking supposed to fucking blink at me!"

Just to wind him up, Annie blinked at him. Lord Bitchiwitch howled in exasperation.

"One," said Annie, already annoyed, "I already know who you are, so I'm not exactly going to ask. Two, I already worked out who you were from the moment you opened your mouth. And three, where am I?"

Lord Bitchiwitch looked slightly placated. "You're in my castle!" he said triumphantly, glad that they were on familiar territory and sticking to the script.

Annie's stomach dropped away. Castle Bitchiwitch...now that wasn't good. However, she managed to hide her fear quite well.

"You already said that, idiot." she said, in a deadpan voice. "Give me a better answer."

"Fine. You are in Castle fucking Bitchiwitch, The fucking Sueniverse! Happy?"

Annie gulped. "W-Well then. W-Why am I here?"

"You're the fucking genius, you fucking work it out!"

"That may be so, but genius doesn't work on Sue Logic." said Annie smoothly.

To her surprise, Lord Bitchiwitch grinned. "You're good."

"I wish I could say the same about you."

Lord Bitchiwitch sneered at her.

"Well?" said Annie impateintly.

Lord Bitchiwitch sighed. "As you are well aware, my wife is dead."

"No shit, Sherlock." Annie muttered. Lord Bitchiwitch glared at her, but said nothing.

"And as such, I am doomed to alone for all eternity, unless I can find someone worthy of the title of Lady Bitchiwitch."

Annie's stomach returned just in time to plummet again. She didn't like the way this conversation was headed at all.

"But then I realised - why wait for someone else, when I can just make someone else?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's my revenge." said Lord Bitchiwitch. "My revenge on you and all of your kind. My revenge on Jake."

Annie's stomach squirmed uncomfortably at the mention of Jake's name. "Go on." she said apprehensively.

"My revenge will be to make you into the next Lady Bitchiwitch."

Annie's hands clenched the sheet tightly, so tightly that her knuckles turned white. "W-W-Why?"

"Because you killed her!"

"B-But...th-that doesn't m-make any s-s-sense! And w-where does J-Jake come into all th-this?"

Lord Bitchiwitch leaned close to her face.

"It doesn't need to make sense." he smirked.

And then, much to everyone's surprise, especially Annie's, Lord Bitchiwitch leaned in and kissed her.

Annie fainted.

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That was a MAJOR omigod moment at the end, wasn't it? Once again, PLEASE review, I really want to know what you guys think of this chapter. And remember, keep watching the skies!


	8. 8 The Forbidden Room

OK! Be prepared for this chapter, cos it's a biggie! I own none of the canon characters mentioned in this, etc etc etc. Have fun!

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The Sue Hunters sat in the garden at HQ. There wasn't a room big enough to hold them all, and the boss was able to wire up a speaker that broadcasted his voice to them without his having to leave the office. The boss never liked to leave his office, and preferred to address the Sue Hunters via a microphone and several speakers. Only a few - mostly his inner circle, or highly prestigious Sue Hunters - had ever seen his face, and he wanted to keep it that way.

He could see the Sue Hunters on a TV screen in his office. Their faces were serious, and there wasn't the usual amount of muttering that usually took place when he spoke to them _en masse_, as the French say. They were all taking this very seriously.

"...and I'm afraid that there is really nothing we can do." he finished.

Just then -

BAM.

- Jake appeared out of nowhere in a puff of smoke and sparks. His hair, which could usually have been described as "tousled", "messily attractive" or "OmG kAwAiIiIiiii!!!11!1!!" was flying everywhere, and his face was a picture of distress. He was clutching a newspaper so tightly that it looked as though he would rip holes in its paper. Ignoring the astonished faces of the Sue Hunters, he strode right over to the nearest speaker, waving his paper as he went, and said "What the hell are you playing at?"

The boss was glad that no-one could see his shocked expression from inside his office, but it was impossible to hide the surprise in his voice. "Excuse me?"

"Where is she?"

The boss sighed, and a vein began to pulse in his temple.

"Step into my office, Jake." he said. His voice was quiet, but it sounded extremely strained. Jake noticed none of this, and marched out of the garden and towards the boss's office.

The boss switched off his microphone as Jake entered. The Sue Hunters gathered outside began to whisper to each other frantically.

The boss leaned back in his chair and surveyed Jake over his steepled fingers. Jake glared back at him. For a moment, there was silence, as each of them tried to out-do the other's macho stare.

"If you had arrived on time, you would know what had happened." said the boss, his eyes beginning to prickle.

Jake coloured slightly. "I didn't know about this meeting."

"You would have known if your communicator had been switched on." said the boss, who was now convinced that his eyes were going to shrivel up.

"If you'd been getting calls all day about that damn party, your communicator would have been switched off too." said Jake sulkily.

The boss gave an enorous sigh, which said "Yeah, but I'm still right."

"Annie has been kidnapped by Lord Bitchiwitch." he said. "We don't know where she is, or what he's done with her. There is really nothing we can do."

Jake's mouth fell open in a mixture of horror and indignation.

"So next time, I would thank you to leave your communicator on and arrive on time." said the boss.

"Are you crazy?" yelled Jake.

The boss glared back at him.

"There's always something we can do!" said Jake, waving his arms around and knocking over a plant pot.

"We don't all have your talents, Jake." snapped the boss. "_We_, unlike _you_, are only human."

Jake's face went red.

"If we launched a retrieval operation, any number of things could go wrong. We don't all have strength, luck and sheer...sheer..._Stuishness_ on our side!"

Jake opened his mouth to protest, but the boss cut across him.

"I won't deny that you've come along way since you first joined, and I can understand your..._attatchment_ to Annie. After all, she was your personality trainer, and your first partner, but there are casualties in every war, and frankly, she's one of them."

Jake glared at the boss for a bit longer.

"You may go." he said, dismissing Jake with a wave of his hand.

On the whole, the boss was not a bad man. Fundamentally, there were only two things wrong with him: his unwillingness to trust people, and the tortoise mentality. To understand the boss, there are really only three things you need to know about him. One - it took a lot to convince him that you were on his side. Two - he really, really, _really_ hated Mary Sues and Gary Stus of any kind. And three - he was a lot like a tortoise. This last point may seem confusing, so I shall roll out an analogy.

When a tortoise is attacked, it does not retaliate easily. Unless our tortoise is provoked to the point of spontaneous combustion, he will not fight back. (Our tortoise is a boy, incidentally.) Instead, he will hide inside his shell and hope that the problem will go away.

So now, as Jake returned to the Sue Hunters and sat down with them, perhaps you will understand why the boss said "Anyway. As such, I will be suspending all further Sue Hunter activities."

But then again, perhaps not.

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Two days later, Annie woke up.

That wasn't to say that she'd fallen asleep for two days - even the shock of getting kissed by a Stu isn't quite _that_ powerful.

Anyway.

Annie was trying her hardest not to dwell on that kiss for too long (so thinking about it for longer than a second was out of the question) but with Lord Bitcihiwtch hanging over her like a vulture at every waking moment, that was extremely difficult.

Ever since she had arrived at his castle, Lord Bitchiwitch had never given Annie a moment's peace, and although he hadn't tried to kiss her again, the continual question on his lips was "Do you love me yet?" and needless to say, it was beginning to get on Annie's nerves.

So she was very surprised to find a note on her bedside table, and no Lord Bitchiwitch standing over her as she read it.

This is what the note said:

_To my superlovelygothicbeautifulangelofdarknessandblood, _(Annie presumed this was meant to be her.)

_Unnfort...__Unfortunit...__ Sadly, I shall have to leave you alone today. You are allowed to go anywhere you like, as long as you stay on this floor._

_Don't pine away and die of loneliness while I'm gone!_

_Love and vampire kisses,_

_Lord Bitchiwitch_

Annie snorted in contempt and screwed up the note. Then she set off to explore.

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Lord Bitchiwitch arrived at Castle Sparklipoo, a horribly pink and sparkly travesty next to his own "ZmOg GoFfIk!!11!!!!" castle, a few minutes later.

Almost as soon as he entered the door, a high-pitched female voice squealed "So come on! You've so totally gotta give us all the, like, details!"

Lord Bitchiwitch smirked. Now this was more like it.

He was ushered into a chair and, still smirking, he began to speak.

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Of course Annie wouldn't stay on that floor. She'd had a poke around, but it was all bedrooms and wardrobes and such and she had soon got bored. For a few brief minutes, she had comtemplated actually doing as she was told, but as Lord Bitchiwitch had been the one who told her, that concept had vanished extremely quickly. When it came to forbidden things, Annie was generally of the Harry Potter school of thinking - that is, if something was forbidden, it must be because it's _really_ interesting. So Annie had ignored Lord Bitchiwitch's note and descended the stairs.

Much to her disappointment, the ground floor was also incredibly boring. There was a kitchen, a few sitting rooms, a games room, a gym and an indoor pool, but nothing interested Annie.

That is, until she came across the door that had the following notice taped onto it:

_This Is Just A Broom Cupboard. Nothing To See Here. No Entry On Pain Of Death. Authorised Personnel Only._

Underneath this notice, someone had stuck a Post-It note to the door, almost like a reminder. This is what it said:

_Note To Self: Authorised Personnel Me And My LoveyDoveyEvilSquirrelMuffinPrincessDarknessBloodEtc._

Annie sniggered and pushed the door open.

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"So? How far have you gotten with the girl?" asked Lord Tootsitramp.

Lord Bitchiwitch's smirk never left his face (unless he had a tortured, pained or emo expression) as he said "Well, we've kissed."

"That's it?" said Lord Tootsitramp, sounding a little disappointed.

"Yeah." said Lord Bitchiwitch defensively. "So?"

Lord Tootsitramp stifled a laugh.

"I always get to at least third base on the first date." said Lady Tootsitramp, leaning back in her chair, a satisfied expression on her face.

"Oh, I know you do." said Lord Tootsitramp.

"Fuckers..." muttered Lord Bitchiwitch.

"And how."

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Annie was not at all surprised to find that she was not in a broom cupboard at all. The room was enormous and pitch black, but she could tell that the floor was made of metal, as her footsteps clanged on the floor as she searched for a light. In the light spilling through the open door, she could see cigarette lighter discarded on the floor, so she picked it up and flicked it on.

The tiny flame flared into life, and the "broom cupboard" door slammed behind her.

Annie stepped forwards into the darkness. Her eyes soon became accustomed to the gloom, as long as she didn't look directly at the flame, and by its meagre light she saw hundreds and hundreds of Sues. They were all Bitchiwitch Sues, and they were all frozen to the spot.

Annie gulped.

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"So, like, what happened? I so totally want, like, _all_ the juicy details." said Lady Sparklipoo, clapping her hands together in delight. Lord Bitchiwitch looked a little more placated.

"Well, at first she wasn't really sticking to the fucking script, and that fucking annoyed me. But I managed to scare her a bit, and then when I kissed her, she fainted."

"Like, OMG!" said Lady Sparklipoo, pronouncing it as "oh em gee". "That is so POTO!"

"What the fuck is POTO?"

"It's like, Phantom of the Opera, duh!" said Lady Sparklipoo. "That's so totally romantic!"

Lord Bitchiwitch grinned evilly, and stroked his chin in the way that bearded men stroke their beards when they think, except that Lord Bitchiwitch had no beard, because he deemed beards to be unsexy. Manly stubble - yes, but beards - don't even go there.

"Phantom of the Opera, eh?"

Suddenly, the first five organ chords of "Phantom of the Opera" blared throughout the room.

"Nice trick."

"Thankyou."

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Annie flinched as the first five organ chords of "Phantom of the Opera" blared throughout the castle. The lighter whirled around, and caught the ends of the nearest Sue's short blue hair and set it alight.

"Shit!" whispered Annie, desperately blowing on the flames. Instead of blowing out the small fire, it made it spread until the Sue's whole head was ablaze. Annie spat on her hands and tried to pat out the flames.

This turned out to be an exceptionally bad move.

As soon as Annie touched the Sue, she instantly sprang to life, and screamed "ZOMFG! MY FUCKING HAIR'S ON FUCKING FIRE!"

Annie whimpered and staggered backwards, bashing into another Sue with black wings, who also unfroze immediately and said "What the fucking fuck are you doing here?"

Annie span around, ran forwards a few steps, and bashed into another Sue, this time looking like a female version of Gaara from Naruto, who stretched like a cat and regarded Annie with contempt.

Whenever she touched a Sue, it came to life.

Terrified, Annie saw an iron door at the back of the room and she sprinted towards it, knocking down Sues like bowling pins as she went. She hurtled straight into the door, yanked it open and darted inside the room, slamming the door shut and locking it.

Panting, she leaned against the door, eyes shut tight.

"What the fuck just happened?" she whispered.

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"So it's going well, then." said Lord Sparklipoo.

"Oh yeah." said Lord Bitchiwitch, who had now been supplied with a cigar and a glass of vodka. "The Suethors are getting impatient. They can't create their Sues with no Lady Bitchiwitch, and all their wasted energy is focussing on her. Even though she's resisting, she can't stop the transformation."

"OMG!" said Lady Sparklipoo again. "We'll be a six again! Like, how long will we have to wait?"

"Well, she's swearing a lot more and sticking to the script, even though she doesn't realise it. We've probably got about a week, maybe two weeks before the transformation is complete."

"And then you'll get to third base." said Lady Tootsitramp.

Lord Bitchiwitch smirked at her. "What makes you think I'll stop there?"

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When Annie had got her breath back, she held up the cigarette lighter and looked around. She was in an enormous metal room, and the moment that the lighter flicked on, there came the sound of scurrying footsteps. Annie gulped, but curiosity overcame her, and she stepped further into the room, lighter held high.

The walls were lined with cages. There were about two hundred of them, all tall enough for a grown man to stand in. As she walked past cage after cage, Annie could hear shallow breathing, and sometimes whispers, but she couldn't see who - or what - was inside any of the cages. All their occupants were shrouded in darkness.

Suddenly, an enormous bang and a muffled swear word came from the cage to her left. Annie spun around so fast that she fell over, and from the darkness of the cages, she could hear sniggering.

Annie peered into the cage and shuffled closer. She still couldn't see anything.

She stepped closer still, holding the lighter aloft like a smaller, fatter version of the Statue of Liberty. Still, she saw nothing.

Feeling slightly braver now, she peered through the bars of the cage, so close that her nose was sticking through the bars.

And then, a pair of enormous, pointed eyes loomed up out of the darkness.

Annie screamed and jumped backwards. She banged into the cage behind her, and a pair of big, hairy arms shot out and grabbed her, holding her still.

"Let me go!" said Annie, squirming fiercely. "Let me go!"

"Don't hurt her!" said another voice, and this one was definitely female, and probably belonged to a young girl.

"Why shouldn't I?" came the voice that belonged to the person restraining Annie. This voice was male, deep and hoarse, and it made Annie shiver.

"She's wearing the uniform." came a voice from the cage Annie had seen those awful, pointed eyes in. This was also male, and very distinctly British.

"Not only that," said another voice, Irish this time, "but she certainly doesn't look like one of them. Have you ever seen one of them wearing glasses, and sporting hair like that?"

"Hey!" said Annie.

"No offence." said the voice. "My point is, she is most definitely human. And judging from her uniform, I'd say she's a hunter as well."

The arms restraining Annie let go instantly. She staggered away, eyes wide and frightened.

"A hunter?" came another voice, sounding as though it belonged to an old woman. "She doesn't look like one. Far too small and puny."

Annie rolled her eyes.

"You can help us." said another voice, male again. "And while you're at it, you can give me my lighter back."

"B-But...who are you?"

The people in the cages stepped forwards into the light. Annie's eyes widened in shock.

They were canon characters.

The person who had asked for his lighter was Hatori Sohma. The Irish person who had deduced her identity was Artemis Fowl. The old woman was Granny Weatherwax; the young girl was Tohru Honda. The person with big, hairy arms was Fenrir Greyback, and Annie stepped away from his cage smartly. And the person with the horrible pointed eyes didn't actually have pointy eyes, just normal eyes and a lot of makeup on his eyebrows. It was Jareth, the goblin king.

"What?" whispered Annie.

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"I can't help thinking that you underestimate her, Bitchiwitch." drawled Lord Tootsitramp.

"What d'you fucking mean by that, you fucker?" yelled Lord Bitchiwitch, standing up and knocking his chair over as he went.

"You've set your stakes too high." explained Lord Tootsitramp. "She's more than a match for you, and you know it."

"You're only fucking saying that because I haven't fucking got to third fucking base yet!" yelled Lord Bitchiwitch, smashing his empty vodka bottle on the table and pointing the jagged end towards Lord Tootsitramp's face. If the bottle had been full, he probably wouldn't have done this, as Lord Bitchiwitch hated to waste vodka.

"I'm saying it because it's true!" said Lord Tootsitramp, standing up angrily. "You'll never make her into a Bitchiwitch and you know it!"

Lord Bitchiwitch slapped him, having temporarily forgotten the broken bottle.

"See, my lovelylittleprincessbunnyfluffypiesweetums?" said Lord Sparklipoo to his wife. "This is why we don't make a habit of getting together."

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Annie had released the canon characters. This had been relatively easy, as Lord Bitchiwitch had left an enormous bundle of keys, helpfully labelled with each character's name and fandom, on a hook with the sign "Keys To Canon Characters' Cells" taped to the wall above it.

"Right," said Annie, rubbing her hands together and surveying the assembled characters, who were mostly good-looking young men or women. She wasn't quite sure why Granny Weatherwax was there, but she didn't dwell on it too much, because she had always had a sort of terror-induced respect for Granny Weatherwax, and was convinced that she could read minds.

There was silence.

"Right what?" asked Tohru.

"I'm thinking about that."

"Oh. Sorry."

Granny Weatherwax snorted in contempt and Artemis Fowl pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing. Annie blushed.

"Well we can't go out there!" she said, gesturing to the door that led into the room full of Sues. Ever since the first sound of the canon characters' voices had reached their perfectly formed ears, they had been scrabbling at the door, trying to get in. "And there's no other way out! You try thinking of something!"

"Was that last comment meant for me?" said Artemis, giving her a cool stare.

Annie blushed. "Well, not exactly, no, but..."

"Let me see your transporter, please." said Artemis.

Annie, although extremely embarrassed at not having thought of that earlier, handed the device over. Artemis inspected it closely, and then asked "How many people can it carry?"

"The most I've heard of is about thirty, maybe forty people at a time." said Annie. "But they were all holding onto each other really tightly, and they were all squished together."

Jareth wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"Right." said Artemis. "We'll divide into groups of forty and go back in lots. I'll be operating the transporter, and Miss...Baines, is it? Miss Baines will be on the lookout for any guards. I take it you'll be accompanying us, Miss Baines?"

Annie nodded fervently. "Wouldn't miss it."

Someone raised their hand at the back of the crowd - it was Parvati Patil.

"Yes?" said Artemis tersely.

"Where will we be going?"

"To Sue Hunters HQ." said Annie.

Instantly, the air was filled with the sound of sirens.

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The sirens were so loud that they could be heard in Castle Sparklipoo.

Lord Bitchiwitch swore loudly, chucked his broken bottle at Lord Tootsitramp's head and stalked off.

"Told you so." said Lord Tootsitramp smugly.

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Annie felt like an idiot. Presumably, the words "Sue Hunters HQ" set off an alarm, and now Lord Bitchiwitch would be returning home as fast as his legs would carry him. Annie peeped through the crack in between the door and the wall. She could only see the scrabbling hands of the Sues, and the faint glow omitted by their skin. Annie pushed against the door harder. Sue nails could probably break through a lock.

"How many more lots?" she asked, when she heard the faint popping noise that meant Artemis Fowl had returned.

"This is the last one."

"Good!" said Annie, running over to the huddle of canon characters. But before she had taken two steps, the door swung open with a bang and a voice yelled "ANNIE!"

Annie spun around and saw Lord Bitchiwitch hurtling towards her.

"Go!" she yelled, turning back to the canon characters. "Go now!"

"But we can't just leave you here!" said Tohru, who was being restrained by Hatori.

"The strange Japanese girl is right." said Artemis. Hatori glared at him, and Tohru looked crestfallen.

Then, Lord Bitchiwitch brought Annie to the ground in a flying rugby tackle.

"Then again, maybe not." said Artemis.

Annie struggled out from underneath Lord Bitchiwitch and ran towards the characters. Jareth leaned over Artemis's shoulder and pushed the button.

"If you can reach us in three seconds, then we're taking you with us." he said calmly. "Three..."

Annie ran as fast as she could. They were barely steps away from her, she told herself.

"Two..."

Annie ran even faster, her arms and legs working furiously. Why had they decided to put themselves at the far end of the room?

"One..."

Annie, barely steps away from them (for real this time), leapt into the air and flew towards them. She was going to make it, she was actually going to make it...

There was a popping noise, and the characters disappeared.

Annie landed on the floor face first.

"Ow."

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I got you quite excited there, didn't I? But Annie's adventures in Castle Bitchiwitch are far from over yet! Find out next time on the Sue Hunters! East Enders theme tune

Oh yes, and FEED THE REVIEW JUNKIE!!


	9. 9 The Legend

Here you are, everybody! I hope you like it! Once again, I must remind you all that I don't own any of the canon characters mentioned, and that Lord Bitchiwitch is going to be swearing like a fishwife in this chapter, but that's no real difference, is it? Happy reading, and happy birthday to my friend Lucy, who is 16 today! Hurrah for everyone!

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Jake couldn't believe his ears. He shook his head slightly, as though he was shaking away the last tendrils of sleep coiling around his mind.

"Suspending all further Sue Hunters activies?!" yelled a voice.

Dumbly, Jake turned to its source, and saw Bianca standing up, a furious look on her face.

"We have a duty to canon!" she yelled, her skin an angry red underneath her make-up. "We can't just abandon it now because of one tiny loss!"

One tiny loss...thought Jake. He made a skeptical noise in his head. It was considerably more than one tiny loss.

"We have a duty to canon." snapped the boss. "And as such, we cannot abandon all we have worked for in order to recover one agent who made a mistake!"

Jake froze.

"Even if we weren't going to go after her, we shouldn't suspend all activities just because she got herself kidnapped!" Bianca screamed, jabbing a finger at a speaker.

"She made her choice!" yelled the boss, spraying his mike with spit from the safety of his office. "She chose to accept her new partner, and she shall answer for that decision!"

And at that moment, it hit Jake like a ton of bricks.

He put his head in his hands.

"But why should we go into hiding for it?!" Bianca screamed.

Just then -

pop!

- forty canon characters appeared out of nowhere.

Anger temporarily forgotten, Bianca blinked at them in surprise.

Twenty seconds later -

pop!

- forty more characters appeared.

"What the hell?" she muttered.

One minute later, the last "pop!" had...popped, and all of Lord Bitchiwitch's prisoners were standing on the lawn at Sue Hunters HQ.

All except one.

"Well, I must say I thought that went very well." said Jareth, extracating himself from the huddle of canon characters.

Artemis Fowl shook his head, still holding Annie's transporter. "No, it didn't. We shouldn't have left her behind."

Jake's head snapped up so fast his neck clicked. He stood up, marched over to where Artemis was standing and picked up the Irish boy by his shirt front.

"You did what?" he hissed.

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "I should have known better than to anger the local wildlife."

In spite of the situation, Jake blushed. "You say that again!"

"Certainly. Would you find it easier to understand if I used words with less syllables?"

"Jake!" snapped the boss. "Put him down!"

"Oh, shut up, you ponce!" yelled Jake. "Go deep fry your head!"

He turned back to Artemis. "Now where the hell is Annie?"

"Miss Baines, I presume?" asked Artemis.

"Well duh!" yelled Jake. "How many other Annies do you know of?"

"Quite a few, actually." said Artemis, smarting slightly that the word "duh" had been used against him.

Jake glowered at him.

"Unfortunately, our escape plans were disrupted by a certain...Lord Bitchiwitch, I believe." said Artemis. "She was unable to escape with us. As far as I'm aware, she is still in his castle."

Jake let go of Artemis's shirt, snatched the transporter out of Artemis's hands and turned it over. There was a name tag stuck to the back that read "Annie Baines". Jake pummelled the button with his fist, but nothing happened.

Artemis snatched it out of his hands and examined it again.

"It needs charging up." he explained. "Low battery."

Jake stalked off, his mind buzzing with ideas. Annie must still be alive, and she must still be herself, otherwise she wouldn't have sent the characters back. But if she hadn't been able to escape with them, what revenge would Lord Bitchiwitch take?

"Psst." said a voice. Jake ignored it.

"Hey! Jake!" someone hissed.

Jake looked up and saw Whatshisface beckoning him over. Intrigued, Jake glanced over his shoulder and ran towards him.

"What is it?"

Whatshisface looked nervous, and his voice was low and furtive as he whispered in his ear.

"I think I have a plan."

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Annie had been locked in her room.

She felt incredibly relieved that this was all that Lord Bitchiwitch had decided to do by way of punishment, but also incredibly stupid. She had had an escape device strapped around her waist for two whole days, and she hadn't even noticed. Now that really was overlooking the obvious.

She could tell that Lord Bitchiwitch was listening outside her door. She could see the hem of his cloak and the soles of his feet through the crack between the door and the floor.

"I'm bored." she said, flopping back on her bed with a huff.

Lord Bitchiwitch snorted. "If you fucking think that I'm fucking going to fucking let you fucking out again, you're dead fucking wrong."

"But I'm bored!" whined Annie again, borrowing a tactic from small children everywhere. "I'm really, really bored!"

"Well, fucking well find a fucking way to fucking entertain yourself!" snapped Lord Bitchiwitch.

"Like what?" whinged Annie, in the tones of the snot-nosed kid who lived next door. "There's nothing to do here. It's really boring."

Lord Bitchiwitch slid some paper and a marker pen under the door. "Draw me a fucking picture, then."

"OK!" said Annie, seizing the paper gleefully, the beginning of a plan sparking in her mind. This would really wind him up...

"But I'll need some more paper. Loads more. And some tape. Oh, and a ruler." she said, rubbing her hands together.

Lord Bitchiwitch stuffed the paper, tape and ruler under the door, as requested.

"I'll be back at seven." said Lord Bitchiwitch, his voice growing fainter as he stalked off down the corridor. "And I expect you to dress for dinner."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." mumbled Annie, uncorking the lid of the thick, black marker pen with an evil smile.

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To understand Whatshisface's plan properly, I must first tell you about a legend within the Sue Hunters organisation. The legend speaks of a mysterious and terrible figure commanding entire dimensions, that rules over all he surveys. He is an extremely powerful man, and with a snap of his fingers or a roll of his dice, he can change anything he sees fit. But this person, this enigma hides himself away in a dark, foreboding castle, and will never answer to anyone, unless he is summoned.

This, my friends, is the legend of the Nerd King.

Once upon a time...

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"Hey!" snapped Lord Bitchiwitch, pounding on the door of Castle Sparklipoo. "Let me in!"

The door swung open immediately to reveal Lady Sparklipoo, resplendent in some other pink monstrosity, looking over her shoulder.

"Like, come in!" she whispered. "My uberdarlingultrastronghandsomeandtotallygorgeouslovemuffinsugarsweetiepie is out, but he'll so totally be back soon. We're so going to have to, like, hurry this up."

Lord Bitchiwitch stepped inside Lady Sparklipoo's vibrant pink castle, shuddering slightly. It was just so...pink...

"So what did you wanna talk about?" asked Lady Sparklipoo in an annoyingly perky voice.

Lord Bitchiwitch shuffled his feet awkwardly. "Annie..."

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Once upon a time, there was a young man who loved stories. He had good looks, money and friends on his side, and the whole world was his oyster, but from an early age he decided that he would spend his life collecting stories. So when he was sixteen, he left home and set off into the world, in search of stories to feed his ever-growing imagination.

For many years, he travelled across the globe, writing down every story that he heard, and his stock of money and friends began to dwindle away, until he travelled alone and penniless.

He crossed over many continents, carrying his stories on his back, until one day he reached an enormous white city, renowned for its famous library.

The young man was excited beyond belief, and begged to be let into the library, and eventually, although he was a stranger of little means and little consequence, the city elders agreed, and he was let into the library.

The young man's imagination almost exploded with excitement at the thought of so many stories. All of them were new to him, and spoke of strange, far-off places that set his imagination burning. He stayed up long into the night, copying out all the stories, and stowing his copies safely away.

It is universally agreed that libraries are very strange places, and this library was the strangest of all. While he was inside it, the young man lost track of time. He was so wrapped up in his imagination that he did not notice the hours, days, weeks, months and years tick by, until one fateful day, when the city was invaded.

A group of three enemy soldiers snuck into the library for a quick smoke. They were still dressed in their shining battle armour, and for the first time in hundreds of years, the young man looked up from his research and went to investigate. He saw the three soldiers passing round a pipe, heard their strange language and their gruff laughter, and his mind began to buzz with exictement, just thinking of all the stories that they must have known. Slowly, and carefully, he approached the three soldiers.

As soon as they saw him, their laughter turned to screams of horror, and they dropped their shields and their weapons and ran.

The young man was puzzled. He crossed the room, to where the last soldier's shield lay spinning on the ground and picked it up, staring into its shiny, reflective surface.

What he saw made him cry out in terror.

His time in the library, wrapped up in the stories, had given him unnatural long life, and his once beautiful face had withered and warped into something terrible. He threw open the library door, and clear, golden sunlight streamed in, and the people - both the soldiers and civilians - saw the face of the young man hiding within the library.

And they screamed.

That night, the people crept up to the library under cover of darkness with lighted torches and set the place alight. The young man was horrified to see a lifetime's work go up in smoke, and began to frantically pull the scrolls off the shelves.

And that was when he found his saviour.

One of the scrolls contained instructions for magic beyond his wildest dreams, and in his desperation, the young man, who was no longer young, opened up a portal to another dimension. He made that dimension his home, and he was never seen again, taking the scrolls with him.

But the Nerd King (for this is he) lives on, and his life's work continues. He still collects his stories, only now he has magic and minions on his side, and the help of a faithful organisation which he helped to found.

The Sue Hunters.

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So there you have it! I hoped you liked it, but I have to tell you all that there will proabaly be longer waits in between each chapter, as I'm getting loads of stuff to do at the moment. Oh yes...REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!!!


	10. 10 The Nerd King

Due to some miracle of nature, I actually managed to get the next chapter done really quickly! So here it is! I don't own Dungeons and Dragons, and Lord Bitchiwitch will be swearing his head off once again, and there's a little bad language from Jake, too. Have fun reading!

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Stus are very difficult things to understand. Fortunately, they are nowhere near as popular as their female counterparts, but unfortunately, they are just as sparkly. Indeed, for many a reformed Stu, their sparkly pink blood is a source of eternal shame.

However, such shame was a stranger to Lord Bitchiwitch. The only shame that he felt over his blood was that it was pink, but over the years he managed to convince himself that it was merely a very light red. He hated the colour pink.

This poses a difficult question. What would someone so abhorrent towards all things pink and sparkly be doing anywhere near Castle Sparklipoo?

But Lord Bitchiwitch _was_ inside Castle Sparklipoo at this very moment, doing his best to ignore the endlessly pink and sparkly things that Lady Sparklipoo had filled her living room with.

You see, Lord Bitchiwitch was incredibly confused. He felt as though his emotions had been stuck in a blender and whirred around at full speed, and he had been left to clean up the mess.

By nature, Lord Bitchiwitch was a cold, cruel, and sweary man, except (like all Stus) when it came to love. A girl would glance his way once and he would instantly turn into a puddle of lovey-dovey sugar-scented mush. He was not alone in this. Stus are designed by their authors to fall in love easily, and Lord Bitchiwitch was no exception.

This was why he had visited Castle Sparklipoo, a place which he avoided like the plague - both on principle, and because it made his eyes hurt.

What had started out as a petty and confusing act of revenge had escalated into something far more serious.

Unless he was very much mistaken, Lord Bitchiwitch was falling in love.

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Annie, on the other hand, was not.

She had thought about escape for a while, but eventually deciding that there was no way out short of breaking down the door, she had given up on that scheme, and she had settled for annoying Lord Bitchiwitch instead.

She was lying on her stomach, legs waving in the air and tongue between her teeth, drawing a careful diagram of Newton's First Law of Motion with the thick, black marker pen. When she had finished, she bit off a piece of tape and stuck her drawing to the wall.

One and a half walls were already covered with physics and maths diagrams, carefully and methodically drawn in thick, black marker pen.

Annie grinned evilly. She was going to make Lord Bitchiwitch regret the day he decided to take _her_ prisoner.

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"Are you sure this is going to work?" said Jake, staring doubtfully at the board in front of him.

Whathisface nodded solemnly. "I've done this before. We'll be fine."

Jake gulped. "I don't think I can do this."

Whatshiface looked amazed. "Er...pardon?"

"I'm not going to be able to do this." said Jake, shaking his head and looking scared. "It won't work. I..."

"You'll be fine." said Whatshiface, amazed that he had the upper hand.

"Yeah, but for ten whole hours? You have got some coffee, right?"

"Sure I have." said Whatshiface, indicating at least three crates stacked to the brim. "And some Red Bull. And some caffeine injections."

"Aren't those illegal?"

Whatshisface blushed slightly. "Well, I'm not really sure..."

"And what if we need the loo?"

"Well, we'll have to hold on, won't we?"

"For ten hours?" said Jake weakly.

"Listen," said Whatshiface, his patience snapping, "this is the only way we can summon up the Nerd King! And if you're not going to help me, then I'll find someone else who will!"

"Sorry." said Jake, a little queasily. "It's just the Stu genes kicking in. I'm sure it's a...very...fun game."

"Oh yeah. Dungeons and Dragons is great. You can really get into it."

"For ten hours?" whispered Jake. "With no breaks?"

"How many times do I have to tell you? The _only_ way to summon up the Nerd King is to play Dungeons and Dragons for ten hours straight, and the _only_ way we'll ever get Annie back is with his help! She's already been gone for two whole days! Who knows what kind of state she's in?"

Jake nodded, took a deep breath and steeled his nerves. "Right." he said, new determination lining his voice. "Which one of us is the dungeon?"

Whatshisface sighed. This was going to be harder than he had thought.

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"So? What about her?" said Lady Sparklipoo, blinking her saucer-sized blue eyes.

Lord Bitchiwitch shuffled his feet again and mumbled something incoherently. Lady Sparklipoo rolled her eyes and beckoned her fluffy white cat over.

"Here, Princess Snuggle-Muffin!" she called. Had the cat been thinking properly, and capable of human thoughts, it would have rolled its eyes in desperation and taken a swipe at Lady Sparklipoo's face for being saddled with such a ridiculous name. Especially as the cat was actually a boy. But the naturally sparkly demeanour of even a minor Sue will affect even animals profoundly, and when you compare that to the amount of sparkle Lady Sparklipoo had - well. The poor cat didn't stand a chance.

"Well..." began Lord Bitchiwitch.

"Well what?"

"It's just so fucking hard!" said Lord Bitchiwitch, ignoring Lady Sparklipoo's grimace at the swear word.

"You're not, like, losing your, like, touch, are you?" said Lady Sparklipoo, backing away as though it was contagious.

"No!" said Lord Bitchiwitch indignantly. "I'm fucking well not!"

Lady Sparklipoo grimaced again.

"It's just...it's just that...she's such a fucking nerd! How am I fucking supposed to fucking win her fucking over when she won't fucking respond to anything I fucking do?!"

Lord Bitchiwitch had still not noticed that every time he said the word "fuck", Lady Sparklipoo's face would twist into a grimace - that still looked totally cute and adorable on her.

Lady Sparklipoo let Lord Bitchiwitch rant and rave for a bit longer, mentally blocking her ears every time Lord Bitchiwitch said "the f word", so she didn't hear anything that he said. Not that it mattered - Lady Sparklipoo already had a plan in mind.

"Like, listen," she said, patting Princess Snuggle-Muffin gently on the head, "why don't you like, use the formula? It's so totally obvious."

Lord Bitchiwitch blinked his ruby red eyes. "The...formula?" he asked, ssurprised that he forgot to swear.

"You know the one I mean."

"The..._pink_ formula?" said Lord Bitchiwitch, repressing a shudder.

"Yeah! Isn't it a totally gorgeous colour?"

"The..._sparkly_ formula?"

"That's the one."

"The...the..._sparkly pink formula_?!"

"That's right."

"What does that one do again?"

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To Jake's surprise, Whatshisface had been right. It was very easy to get into Dungeons and Dragons.

Five hours into the game, Jake was absolutely desperate for a wee, had drunk three cups of coffee and had a strange, prickling sensation behind his eyes. He was finding it very hard to think straight, and kept laughing for no particular reason.

Whatshisface, on the other hand, looked completely normal, as though he did this every day.

Jake let out a caffeine-induced giggle as he reached for the dice. He rolled it, chucking it at least halfway across the room, and the dice came up six.

"Hah! I win!" said Jake, picking up his piece and plonking it on a random spot on the board.

"No you don't." said Whatshisface, regarding Jake doubtfully, as though he was assessing his sanity. "You're not allowed to do that."

"Am too." said Jake, beaming proudly. "I'm the dungeon."

"No, Jake, you're not the dungeon." sighed Whatshisface. "You're an elf, remember?"

"Ah," said Jake, wagging his finger in an extremely patronising way, "but _I'm_ a _French_ elf, with Afro-Canadian relations and links to the Mafia. So that means I can go wherever I want on the board, on account of my esteemed position within the Mob."

"Jake," said Whatshiface patiently, "there is no Mafia in Dungeons and Dragons. And the elves don't come from France, Africa or Canada. We have to do this _properly_."

"But you said I could make things up!" said Jake indignantly. "You said I could be whoever I wanted to be! And I want to be a French elf with Afro-Canadian relations and links to the Mafia!"

Whatshisface sighed again. "We need to talk about this."

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Annie was still drawing her diagrams with practised care. As she drew, she sang a quiet little song under her breath, a habit which she had carried from her days in primary school and had never really managed to break. It wasn't even as if she was a particularly good singer. Her voice wobbled a lot, her sense of pitch was awful, and whenever anyone asked her to sing she would clamp her mouth shut tight, rather like a clam. But, she noticed, today she didn't actually sound that bad. Almost acceptable, give or take a few wrong notes.

Three of her bedroom walls were now completely covered with her diagrams. She allowed herself a small chuckle at the thought of Lord Bitchiwitch's face when he entered her bedroom. The little laugh disrupted her chain of thought, and her song, and she forgot what she had been singing.

This is probably just as well, because if Annie had known what she had been singing, she would have given herself a heart attack from fright and never opened her mouth again.

She had been singing _Evanesence._

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Five hours later, Jake's knowledge of Dungeons and Dragons had not improved, and his caffeine high had not dissipated. In addition to his random laughter, he kept making, quick, jerky movements, and his eyes darted around the room. Usually, they darted to the clock. After Whatshisface had stopped his Mafia connections from winning the game for him, Jake had lost all interest in the game, and had begun to count down the hours. Now, they had only two minutes left.

"Come on, Jake." said Whatshisface, in the same tone that an animal trainer will use to soothe an angry beast. "We're nearly there, just a few more minutes."

Jake nodded tersely, and with shaking hands, picked up the dice.

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Meanwhile, in Castle Sparklipoo -

"Oh. _That_ formula."

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"OK. You come across an enraged troll -" began Whatshisface, but before he could finish the question, there was an enormous poofing sound and a cloud of blue smoke appeared out of nowhere. Coughing and spluttering, Jake could see a tall, dark figure through the blue smoke with a trailing robe and a crown on his head. He gulped nervously. All that caffeine hadn't helped. He exchanged a look with Whatshisface, who nodded seriously. This was the real thing.

"Oh wise and powerful Nerd King," began Whatshisface, as the smoke clouds began to clear, "we seek your -"

"Holy _shit_!" yelled Jake.

The clouds of smoke had finally cleared, and standing within them was the ugliest person Jake had ever seen.

He was tall and thin, as though he had been stretched at some point in his youth. His hair stuck up in all directions and was greasy, lank and mud brown. He wore thick, square, black-rimmed glasses secured with tape across the bridge of his nose, and there were countless bags under his eyes, which were the colour of stagnant pondwater and seemed very, very old. His skin was pale and covered in disgusting boils, he had a bulbous nose and buck teeth. He wore a red, ermine-trimmed robe and a gold crown, which were the only things Jake really liked about his appearance, and baggy jeans and a threadbare T-shirt that read "Frodo lives!"

The Nerd King glared at him. Jake gulped.

"Er...I mean...hi." he said, his throat very dry.

"We seek your assistance." continued Whatshisface, glaring at Jake. "A friend of ours has been captured by Lord Bitchiwitch, and you are our only hope of getting her home safely. If we don't act soon, we fear the worst may happen."

"I am aware of your situation." said the Nerd King, in a voice that kept breaking at awkward moments, as though it was permanently stuck in puberty. Jake couldn't stop himself from letting out a snigger. "I am the Nerd King," he continued, "and I know all."

"Then will you help us, O Keeper of Knowledge, O Protector of Nerds, O..."

"I'm not helping that pillock." said the Nerd King, pointing at Jake.

"Hey!"

"Well what did you expect me to do? If you act like a pillock, you're going to get treated like one!"

"I wasn't acting like a pillock!"

"You were."

"Was not!"

"Were too!"

"Was not!"

"Were too!"

"Annie!" called Jake, before he could stop himself. "He's being mea- oh."

Whatshisface looked at the floor. So did Jake. The Nerd King, with a very shrewd expression on his face, put two and two together faster than a calculator.

"I see." he said. In the Nerd King's mind, the possibilities were whirring. What a plot-like development...

"All right then." said the Nerd King. "I'll help you rescue your friend, this Annie girl. But on one condition."

"What's that?" asked Jake.

"You must give me permission to document everything you do, even your thoughts. I must know every little detail if you want my assistance."

"Everything?" asked Jake.

"Everything." said the Nerd King, smirking.

"Even how much I need the loo right now?" asked Jake, crossing his legs.

"Even how mu- well, maybe not _that_ little detail."

"Done." said Jake, holding out his hand for the Nerd King to shake. The Nerd King ignored it, and placed both his hands on Jake's temples, closing his eyes.

"What are you-" began Jake. But then, there was a flash of light and a sharp stab of pain in the back of his head, and the rest of his sentence was lost in the white light and the white hot pain. He made a gargling noise.

"Thank you very much, Jake Bartholomew Evans." said the Nerd King, smiling in a way that Jake did not like at all. "I shall use my gift...wisely."

Jake shuddered.

"At your service." said the Nerd King, giving a mock bow.

"Hey, Jake." hissed Whatshisface, out of the corner of his mouth. "You OK?"

"Can I go to the loo now?"

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Annie had just half a wall left to cover now, which was just as well, as she was running out of things to draw. Her thick, black marker pen was beginning to run out of ink, and she was down to her last few sheets of paper. Still trying to imagine the expression on Lord Bitchiwitch's face, she did not hear his footsteps, approaching her bedroom door.

Lord Bitchiwitch was in a fantastic mood. He had never felt so good in his life. Lady Sparklipoo had assured him that the sparkly pink formula would do its job, and the prospect of having a companion again made him feel all warm and marshmallow-y inside.

In her room, while sketching out Pythagoras's Theorem, for a split second, Annie contemplated what it would be like to stare into those ruby red eyes forever and ever and ever... She shook the thought out of her head as quickly as possible, and tried to forget about it.

And then, Lord Bitchiwitch opened the door.

His good mood evaporated.

Annie looked up from her drawing, shocked. When she saw Lord Bitchiwitch's face, the marker pen fell from her fingers, and suddenly, her plan for winding up Lord Bitchiwitch seemed like a really _crap_ idea.

Lord Bitchiwitch's face contorted into a grimace of anger, that was beautiful and terrible at the same time. His canine teeth stretched into long and pointed fangs, and his vampire wings stretched out to their full extent, looking like the claws of a hungry animal reaching for its prey.

Annie swallowed drily.

"_What have you done?_" he hissed, his ruby eyes flashing dangerously. Annie scrambled to her feet and looked feverishly around her for an exit. But Lord Bitchiwitch was standing in the only doorway. Annie gulped, and opened and closed her mouth like a fish. Words failed her. She took a step backwards.

"_You have tried my patience long enough, Annie,_" said Lord Bitchiwitch, still in that same guttural hiss. Annie didn't know what scared her more: Lord Bitchiwitch's frightening demeanour, his total lack of swear words, or the fact that to her horror and disgust, she was actually finding this quite sexy. Terrifying, but sexy. Annie took another step back.

"_I will not tolerate your insolence any longer!_" roared Lord Bitchiwitch, spring across the room in one easy bound. Annie shreiked and stumbled backwards as Lord Bitchiwitch slapped her open-handed. The force of the blow sent her reeling (because as everyone knows, Stu hits are the hardest in the world) and she staggered into the wall. She covered her face with her hands, leaving her neck exposed. Lord Bitchiwitch seized his chance and sunk his long, sharp fangs into Annie's neck. She let out a gasp of pain, shuddered, and fell forwards, limp, pale and drawn.

Lord Bitchiwitch caught her before she hit the floor, and lifted her up, carrying her bridal style out the door. Proving that even the most powerful of Stus cannot escape a good cliché, a maniacal laugh escaped his bloodstained lips as he left the room.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!"

Then he tripped on his wings and fell down the stairs.

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I couldn't resist that last sentence... Once again I must remind you all to "ZOMG REVIEWWW!!11111!1" or I'll set the Nerd King on you.


	11. 11 They Think It's All Over

And here it is! This could quite possibly be the very last chapter of the Sue Hunters, unless of course I decided to write an epilogue, but I'll only do that if enough people want me to. Once again, swearing will rear its ugly head, and I don't own any references to canon. Enjoy!

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When Annie awoke, she was lying on a chaise longue, and after she heard the excited, quealing voice of thousands of Sues filling the room, she suspected that she was the only one in the room who knew what it was called. To be honest, this didn't really surprise her. Sues are hardly renowned for their intelligence.

Her neck really _really_ hurt, but for some reason she couldn't remember why. Perhaps she had fallen down the stairs...

"ZOMG!!1! LORD BITCHIWITCH!!11!!! SHE'S AWAKE!!111!1!!!" yelled someone in an extremely high-pitched voice. Annie winced at the sound and tried to roll over, but as she did so, a sharp stab of pain shot through her neck, and she hard to work hard to stop herself from crying out.

She heard footsteps march quickly towards her couch and screwed up her eyes, pretending to be asleep.

"Annie..." said a voice. Although the voice was not swearing, she had no trouble recognising it.

"Go away." she said, covering her face with a handy cushion.

"Annie!" snapped Lord Bitchiwitch.

"I don't want to talk to you!" said Annie. "Just fuck off!"

There was instant silence. Annie's face burned behind her cushion.

"What did you say?" asked Lord Bitchiwitch, in a curiously quiet voice.

"N-Nothing." said Annie, her voice muffled by the cushion.

"_What did you say?_" repeated Lord Bitchiwitch, grabbing Annie by the shoulders.

"Fuck off!" barked Annie, trying to wriggle out of his grip.

The silence lasted for about two more moments, and then Lord Bitchiwitch burst out laughing. Annie peeked over the top of her cushion.

"Um...why are you laughing?" she mumbled.

Lord Bitchiwitch grinned evilly. "It's working!"

"What's working?"

Lord Bitchiwitch chuckled nastily. "You've spent too long in our company. We're starting to rub off on you."

Annie gulped. "What..."

"You're turning into a Sue."

Annie dropped her cushion in shock and her mouth fell open.

"And not just any Sue. _My_ Sue." he said, his evil (but sexy) grin widening.

"No..." whispered Annie. "This...this can't be true..."

"Oh, it is, my dear. Even before I took your blood, the transformation was set in motion. But now, it's going even faster. You should be a Sue by tomorrow lunchtime."

"No!" yelled Annie, shoving her face into her cushion. "You're lying! You're lying!"

"Oh? Then why did the Sues awake when you touched them? Only Lady Bitchiwitch can do that."

Annie's eyes were wide with horror. She clutched at her head, crunched herself into a ball and began to rock backwards and forwards.

"This can't be happening...it's not possible..." she whispered to herself.

Lord Bitchiwitch sighed irritably. He turned to a Stu standing behind him, who was tall, dark and sexy, but nowhere near as sexy as Lord Bitchiwitch. Naturally. "Lieutenant! Go to the others and bring them over. And ready the formula. I've waited long enough."

"And...which formula would this be?" said the Stu. Bizarrely, Annie recognised his voice. She looked up, and saw that it was Byron Addams Storm Tardis Akito Raoul Darcy who had spoken.

"You know! _The_ formula! The one which we never refer to by name because it generates an air of mystery and intrigue! _That_ formula!"

Byron blinked, confused.

"Fuck! It's the fucking sparkly fucking pink formula! God! I'm surrounded by fucking idiots!"

Byron pouted sulkily.

"Byron!" yelled Annie. "Please help me! I have to get out of here!"

Byron looked at her in surprise.

"I'll go insane!" Annie screamed. "You have to help me!"

"Go!" Lord Bitchiwitch barked at Byron. "You will fucking obey me, bitch! I'm the fucking boss here!"

"BYRON!" screamed Annie, springing up and running towards him. However, before she had gone two steps, Lord Bitchiwitch had grabbed her around the waist and held her still. "BYRON!" she screamed again.

But Byron had gone.

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"Right." said the Nerd King, clapping his hands together in a business-like manner. "How can I help you?"

"We need to sleep..." moaned Jake, swaying slightly.

"We need to borrow your nerd army." said Whatshisface.

The Nerd King tried to look nonchalant. "And...what nerd army would this be?"

"Don't be ridiculous!" scoffed Jake, his eyes snapping open. "Everyone knows the Nerd King has a great and terrible army of cold and clammy zombie nerds that stalk through the villages at night and pray on unsuspecting young girls and drain them of their blood and take their souls back to their evil leader, Count Dracula!"

There was silence.

Then Whatshisface said "Jake, that's vampires."

"Oh yes. So it is."

The Nerd King chuckled quietly.

"But we know you've got an army of zombie nerds!" said Jake, springing to his feet. "You can't hide that!"

"Pah!" said the Nerd King, waving a hand in the air, as though he were swatting away Jake's words like bothersome flies. "Prove it!"

Whatshisface slid a few photographs across the Dungeons and Dragons board. They showed thousands and thousands of zombie nerds, all lined up in rows and all grinning cheesily for the camera.

"Ah." said the Nerd King. "You've got me there."

"I was under the impression that you were supposed to have disbanded your army." said Whatshisface mildly, sounding a lot like Professor Lupin.

The Nerd King laughed airily. "Well...you know...when you've got things to do..."

Whatshisface raised an eyebrow.

"Fine." said the Nerd King. "You have control of my army for twenty-four hours. If you haven't rescued her by then, tough. I will be repossessing my army at precisely 2:39 am tomorrow morning. Good luck." And with that, the Nerd King vanished.

"Can we sleep now?" asked Jake.

"Go on then." said Whatshisface, downing the last of his coffee. Jake collapsed backwards with a sigh of relief. He felt, on the whole, quite confident, as the confidence of a Stu is incredibly hard to crack, but there was a tiny, niggling voice at the back of his mind that was telling him to imagine life without Annie.

Jake tried. It wasn't a nice thought.

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"You know, this really wasn't what I had in mind." said Lady Tootsitramp.

Lord and Lady Tootsitramp, Lord and Lady Sparklipoo and Lord Bitchiwitch were all standing around an enormous vat of the sparkly pink formula in Lord Bitchiwitch's cavernous cellar. The formula bubbled and sparked, and gave off sickly pink smoke, and Annie was dangling over it, suspended upside down by a rope that was being burned through by a very small candle. She knew that this was extremely potent Sue Formula, and that the moment she dropped into it, she would turn into a Sue. Needless to say, the change would be irreversible.

"I don't want to know what _you_ had in mind." muttered Lord Bitchiwitch. "And anyway, I thought I'd try something different. Something a little more...James Bond-y."

"I feel sick..." moaned Annie.

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Jake, Whatshisface and the army of zombie nerds materialised in the Sueniverse. Jake avoided looking at the army behind him. They were incredibly creepy, and they all seemed to hate him. It wasn't as if he had screamed in terror when he had seen them or anything...he had just sworn very loudly and dropped a can of Anti-Sue Formula on his foot. Jake could feel the nerds' eyes glaring into his back, and felt as though dozens of laser sights were trained on him.

Whatshisface, however, seemed perfectly fine with all this. He got on with the nerds quite well, and Jake had seen him discussing Dungeons and Dragons with them earlier. It was alright for some people, Jake thought. Whatshisface didn't have laser nerd glares following _him_ around the room. Jake sighed. Sometimes, being devastatingly gorgeous got really hard.

"Right." said Jake, straightening up. "I'll go inside Castle Bitchiwitch and find Annie. Once I know where she is, I'll start the signal and you can come and find us. Then we'll all get out together. OK?"

The nerds glared at him.

"Excellent plan." said Whatshisface. "What do you lot think?"

There was a mumbling chorus of assent from the nerds.

Jake rolled his eyes, and then crept quietly forwards, towards Castle Bitchiwitch.

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The rope was beginning to fray. Every so often, a little piece of twine caught in the flame would bend, blacken and snap, and Annie would jerk downwards by a few more millimetres. She gulped.

Perhaps it was the fact that she had been dangling upside down for about twenty minutes now, but she was beginning to feel very light-headed. No, she mused, that wasn't the right word for it. It would be more accurate to say that she felt...

...sparkly.

Annie shuddered, and the rope jerked down by a few more millimetres.

"This is boring." said Lord Tootsitramp. "There's no sex or anything. It's just bondage gone horribly wrong."

"Oh shut up." said Lord Bitchiwitch. "The sex comes later, idiot."

"It is kinda slow." admitted Lady Sparklipoo, who had left Princess Snuggle-Muffin at home today. "Can't we like, put some totally awesome music on?"

"Evanesence?" asked Lord Bitchiwitch hopefully.

"I was thinking more like the Spice Girls."

"What about MCR?"

"Ew. No way."

"How can you fucking say that?"

Above them, another piece of twine snapped, and Annie jerked downwards. She screwed up her eyes tightly.

"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die..." she mumbled.

The Lieutenant Byron Addams Storm Tardis Akito Raoul Darcy was watching from the doorway. He looked vaguely disturbed. He had spent very little time in the Sue Hunters organisation. Lord Bitchiwitch had commanded that he infiltrate the society by allowing himself to be kidnapped, and put into personality rehab. Byron had answered all the right questions, and had got out of personality boot camp early, without ever really changing, all according to plan. He had even been promoted to Lord Bitchiwitch's Lieutenant, as a reward. He hadn't spent half a day with Annie, but for some strange reason every time that rope jerked downwards he felt a horrible surge of dread in his stomach. It was, if you'll pardon the pun, a gut instinct that told him that this was not right.

Byron had half a mind to go in and rescue her, but the other half was telling him that it would be sheer suicide to even consider it.

And while Byron was pondering this, someone, who had crept along the passageways of Castle Bitchiwitch in practised silence, threw caution to the winds and sprinted into the room, knocking Byron aside.

"ANNIE!"

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"Right." said Whatshisface. "We've got the signal. Let's go."

"What makes you think we can trust the Stu?" said one of the zombie nerds, pulling out a home-made lightsaber and activating it. "It could be a trap."

Whatshisface had a strange expression, that none of the nerds could understand.

"It isn't a trap." he said quietly. "Not when Annie's involved."

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"ANNIE!" yelled Jake, hurtling into the cellar.

Annie's eyes flew open in shock. To her total and utter amazement, she saw Jake sprinting towards her, his face a mask of panic. In spite everything, including the fact that she was dangling upside down over a vat of mysterious sparkly pink stuff, she found herself blushing.

"J-Jake!" she stuttered. "H-How..."

"Byron!" yelled Lord Bitchiwitch, turning to his lieutenant. "Cut the rope! Now!"

Byron froze.

"Cut the fucking rope, bitch!"

Byron said and did nothing.

"Just fucking cut the fucking rope or I'll fucking make you fucking regret it!" Lord Bitchiwitch screamed. Byron flinched and ran over to the rope.

"Jake! Help!" screamed Annie.

Jake bit his lip in thought. He couldn't stop Byron from getting to the rope, and the rope would break anyway if too much pressure was applied to it. He racked his brains for a solution.

"Jake!" yelled Annie. "Use the formula!"

"What formula?"

"The Anti-Sue Formula! Throw it in the vat!"

Feeling only slightly embarrassed that he hadn't thought of that first, Jake yanked out a canister of Anti-Sue Formula, unscrewed the cap and lobbed it towards the tank.

"DUCK!" yelled the Lords and Ladies, throwing themselves to the floor, as the dark green liquid spiralled out of the canister.

Byron Addams Storm Tardis Akito Raoul Darcy screamed like a little girl and toppled onto the floor, flat as a pancake.

The open canister of Anti-Sue Formula whirled around and around, soaring through the air...

...and missed.

The canister sailed right across the vat of Sue Formula and clattered down on the other side. None of the Anti-Sue Formula managed to get into the vat, but as the canister sailed past underneath her, Annie was lucky enough to get a faceful of the foul-smelling formula. Unfortunately, she had her mouth open at the time, and was underjoyed to find that Anti-Sue Formula tasted as bad as it smelt.

There was silence.

"Oh, _crap_." said Jake.

Annie spat out a mouthful of Anti-Sue Formula.

Lord Bitchiwitch began to laugh.

However, Lord Bitchiwitch had overlooked one tiny, but vital detail.

The small mouthful of Anti-Sue Formula that Annie had spat out plummeted towards the vast, rippling vat of aggressively pink Sue Formula. And, as every little physicist knows, when matter and anti-matter collide, energy is released in tremendous amounts. But in plain English, it causes an enormous explosion. The same principle applies to Sues and Anti-Sues.

So, when the Anti-Sue Formula hit the surface of the Sue Formula, there was a flash of bright light, an enormous BOOM, and the metal vat exploded, leaving a vast crater behind.

"DUCK!" yelled the Lords and Ladies once again. Everyone (apart from Annie, obviously) threw themselves to the ground as the shrapnel whizzed over their heads. Annie swung this way and that, desperately trying to dodge the deadly shards of flying metal. One particularly sharp and jagged piece whizzed past her cheek, leaving a long, thin scratch across her face. She cried out, and inadvertently swung towards the metal again. Although it was now impossible for the shard to hit her again, the rope which she was dangling from swung towards it, and the jagged piece of metal sliced right through it.

Annie plummeted to the ground, screaming.

"ANNIE!" screamed Jake, springing up and sprinting towards her.

"MY LOVE!!11!!!!!111!!111!1!" screamed Lord Bitchiwitch, doing the same.

Annie just screamed, but that is beside the point. The sight of the floor coming up to meet you at fifty miles an hour will do that to some people.

Had they been in any other castle, Annie would have died. But over time, the castles in which the Lords and Ladies lived began to take on some of their personalities. For instance, the tower in Castle Tootsitramp was shaped exactly like an enormous...but that's beside the point, and also slightly disturbing. The fact is, the essential Sueishness of the castle would not allow Annie to just plummet to the floor and die. In almost every Sue fic where the main character falls off something ridiculously high and potentially fatal, they are always caught by their love interest. The castle knew this, in an anthropomorphic sort of way, and as such, as Annie was falling, the room seemed to stretch and she slowed down slightly, in order to give Lord Bitchiwitch more time to catch her.

Lord Bitchiwitch got there first. The castle, satisfied with this turn of events, stopped stretching and slowing down Annie, and she plummeted into Lord Bitchiwitch's arms. He smirked and stuck out his tongue at Jake.

"I feel sick..." moaned Annie. Lord Bitchiwitch put her down hurriedly.

"Annie!" cried Jake, running towards her and engulfing her in an extremely tight bear hug. Annie made several choking noises, but Jake wouldn't let go.

"Jake..." she gasped.

"I was so worried!" Jake whispered in her ear, so no-one else could hear his words. "I was so scared..."

Annie turned scarlet, partly from a slight loss of breath, and partly because she was so flustered. Jake was actually worried about her, and he had actually admitted it?

"Jake, I'm having trouble breathing." she said.

"Oh." said Jake, loosening his grip.

"And I'm still tied up."

"Oh! Sorry!" he said sheepishly, and he began to untie her. "I sort of forgot..."

"ZOMG HOW ADORABLE!!!11!!111!1!11!111!!!!!" shrieked Lady Sparklipoo, who was hanging on the edge of her seat with excitement. Annie winced as her high-pitched voice cut through the air.

"Oh great." she muttered. "I'd forgotten about them."

"THIS FUCKING ISN'T FUCKING FAIR!!!111!!" yelled Lord Bitchiwitch, stamping his foot petulantly. "_I'M_ THE FUCKING ONE WHO SHE'S FUCKING SUPPOSED TO FUCKING FALL IN FUCKING LOVE WITH!!!111!1!!111!" he said, so angry that he began to use numbers as punctuation.

"I counted four swear words in that last sentence." said Jake, proudly.

"Your maths is really coming on then, isn't it?" said Annie, grinning slightly.

Jake blushed. So did Annie.

"J-Jake?" asked Annie, uncertainly. "Are you a-all right?" She put out a hand to feel his forehead. It was hot to the touch, but it was hard to say whether it was from embarrassment or illness. When Jake acted like this, you could never really tell.

"IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR!!!!111!!1!1!!1!!" screamed Lord Bitchiwitch.

"Oh shut up." said Annie, turning around to face him. "Do you have any idea how annoying it is when you use numbers as punctuation? It gives me such a headache."

Lord Bitchiwitch, although pleased that some of the attention was on him again, was now absolutely furious. He was possibly even angrier than when he discovered how Annie had covered her room with diagrams. Once again, his canine teeth elongated, his enormous wings spread out to their full extent and his eyes glowed with an eerie red light. After all, sarcasm really pissed him off.

"_Don't you dare speak to me that way!_" he roared, lunging forwards like an angry beast. Jake grabbed Annie's hand and began to drag her towards the door, but Annie was frozen with fear. When she had seen Lord Bitchiwitch angry before, it was through a faint haze of Sueishness, which can make anything seem sparkly. But without that protection, she saw Lord Bitchiwitch in all his terrible glory, and she was terrified.

And once again, Lord Bitchiwitch sprang towards the terrified Sue Hunter and sunk his fangs into her neck.

Annie sank to the ground like a stone. Jake rushed towards her and caught her before she hit the ground. There are certain Stu instincts that even the most rigourous personality training cannot repress, and this was one of them.

"Annie?" said Jake quietly and nervously, giving her a little shake. He knelt down beside her, and an awful feeling of cold dread curled around the pit of his stomach.

"Annie!" he said again. "Annie, this isn't funny! Wake up!"

Annie didn't move.

Lord Bitchiwitch chuckled smugly to himself, preening and licking his lips. Jake turned slowly to face him, fury written all over his face.

"You bastard." he muttered.

"Excuse me?"

"You selfish, conceited, stuck-up bastard." said Jake. His voice was flat, and almost emotionless. But only almost. "You could have killed her, and all you do is stand there and...and...pose?! You said you loved her! Is that any way to treat someone you care for?!"

"Oh, and you'd know all about that." muttered Lord Bitchiwitch. "What happened to you? Did you get hit by a Care Bear Stare or something?"

"My encounters with the Care Bears have nothing to do with this!" said Jake hotly.

"Besides, she won't die from a little bite like that. She'll be unconscious for a few hours, but that's it."

"Bastard..." muttered Jake again.

"Jake Evans..." said Lord Tootsitramp. "That can't be your real name, can it?"

"No." mumbled Jake. He was beginning to feel very small.

"What was that?"

"No!" snapped Jake. "What makes you think I'd keep a name like Willis Alexander Nathaniel Kryptonite Evans-Rolex?"

"But Willis Alexander Nathaniel Kryptonite Evans-Rolex is a lovely name!" said Lady Tootsitramp, sounding scandalised.

"No it's not!" yelled Jake. "Do you people even understand the meaning of the word anacronym?!"

"_Anacronym?_" said Lord Tootsitramp skeptically. "What the hell is an anacronym? And where'd you learn a word like that?"

"Annie taught it to me." said Jake defensively.

"I see."

Lady Tootsitramp sighed. "Ah, Willis. You could have had so much from us."

"It's not Willis. It's Jake."

"You'll always be Willis Alexander Nathaniel Kryptonite Evans-Rolex to me."

"Oh shut up."

"She, like, totally killed your sister, though." said Lady Sparklipoo. "You, like, remember her, right? Thyyme Onyx Sara Sussannah Evans-Rolex? Annie was the one who, like, pulled the trigger. Why would anyone want to risk their, like, life for someone who, like, killed their sister?"

"I know." said Jake quietly. "I was there."

"Like, what? Why didn't you, like, say anything?"

Jake didn't answer. Far, far away, in his castle, the Nerd King was watching the drama play out on an enormous cinema-sized TV screen. He leaned forwards, regarding Jake carefully.

"Why didn't you say anything, Jake?" he mused.

"I've had enough of this." said Lord Bitchiwitch, who did not like staying out of the limelight for long. "Lieutenant!"

Byron, who had been hiding behind a chair ever since the vat exploded, looked up.

"Y-Yes, sir?" he asked.

"Kill the boy." said Lord Bitchiwitch, looking bored. "And make it quick. I'm tired of listening to this brat."

Byron stood up on shaking legs and began to walk towards the crater where Jake, Annie and Lord Bitchiwitch stood. Slowly, he lowered himself over the edge and walked towards them. Jake stood up, and at first he tried to haul Annie up with him, but she groaned in sleepy pain. Jake couldn't leave her, and he couldn't move her. He was stuck.

"Oh, get on with it!" yelled Lord Bitchiwitch, shoving Byron towards Jake and Annie. Byron staggered forwards and almost tripped over them. Slower still, Byron drew a long, thin knife.

Jake's brown eyes were wide with fear. He looked up into Byron's ice-blue eyes.

Byron gulped. His mind was in turmoil. Although he had convinced himself that his personality training had not affected him, he was wrong. He now had a godawful thing called a conscience, and it wouldn't go away. It was telling him that this was wrong, that he shouldn't be doing this.

"What are you fucking waiting for? Kill the fucker!" yelled Lord Bitchiwitch.

Slowly, Byron lowered the knife. It slipped from his fingers and clattered to the ground. He shook his head.

"I don't want to do this any more." he muttered.

"_What did you say?_" hissed Lord Bitchiwitch in his angry voice.

Byron threw one last, terrified glance at Lord Bitchiwitch, and then enormous black angel wings unfolded from his back. He scooped up Jake and Annie and took off, springing into the air as gracefully as an Olympic diver, as Lord Bitchiwitch howled in frustration.

And then, the nerds arrived.

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Whatshisface had done his best to lead the nerd army to the cellars, but he was not renowned for his sense of direction, and they had soon got lost. After getting lost a further two times, they finally found the chamber, and the zombie nerds drew their weapons and charged at the Lords and Ladies, screaming in nasal voices.

"GUARDS!!!111!1!!!111!1!1!!!" yelled the Lords and Ladies, as one.

"Jake!" yelled Whatshisface. "What happened to you? Is Annie OK?"

"Yeah!" Jake yelled back. "She's unconscious! We've got to get out of here!"

"We'll be killed if we stay." said Byron quietly.

Jake turned to look at him. He wasn't sure why Byron had saved them, or why he had disobeyed Lord Bitchiwitch. He found himself hoping that it wasn't because he had a crush on Annie.

Blearily, Annie opened her eyes. "Huh?" she mumbled. "Jake? Byron? What are we - oh my GOD!" she said, having only just noticed that they were a hundred feet above the ground and clutching onto Byron tightly.

"I think it's time we left." said Byron quietly, looking at Lord Bitchiwitch, who was struggling under a pile of zombie nerd warriors.

"Oh my God, too high, too high, too high..." muttered Annie, clinging tightly to Byron and casting fearful glances at the ground.

"Don't forget to pick up Whatshisface."

"Too high, too high..."

"Which one's that?"

"Ahhh, too high, too high, too too high..."

"The one with the nondescript sort of face who's looking up at us."

"Oh my God oh my God oh my God..."

"Oh! Him!"

"Too high high hiiiIIIEEEEE!!!!" Annie shrieked, as Byron dived downwards to pick up Whatshisface. Whatshisface scrambled onto Byron's back and Byron took off again, with Annie burying her face in his jacket. (Black, of course.)

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Byron deposited Annie and Jake as far away from Castle Bitchiwitch as possible. Annie staggered gratefully onto the ground, shivering, and Jake put his arms around her. Whatshisface, sensing the delicacy of the situation, asked Byron to take him back to the nerds so he could call a retreat. Byron obliged, after being kicked in the shin, and they flew off together.

Annie buried her face in Jake's shoulder.

"I hate heights..." she mumbled.

Jake smiled, and pulled Annie into a hug that left both of them blushing.

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Ta-daaah!!! Once again, I must remind you that enough reviewd will generate an epilogue, so you know what to do if you want more!


	12. 12 It Is Now

I just couldn't leave you hanging. Here it is - the absolute LAST chapter of the Sue Hunters, the long awaited (sort of) epilogue. Je ne own pas Harry Potter (that's your actual French) and please Read and Review!!

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The Nerd King leaned back in his chair, giving a satisfied sigh. He stretched, like an exceptionally ugly cat, and gave himself a little shake. He had been writing at his desk for two days solid now. To the Nerd King, having spent centuries in the library, copying out story after story, this was nothing.

He often thought back to his days as... well, as a human. The Nerd King was perfectly aware that somehow, he had been warped by the power of the library, but he didn't really understand how. He didn't really mind that he had been warped either, because with the help of the magic scroll, he could generate everything he wanted.

But sometimes, he reflected, everything he wanted just wasn't enough.

The Nerd King got up, stretched again, and looked at the story he had just written down.

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"Are you sure you'll be OK?"

"I've had worse."

"But there's some dodgy people about, and it's late, and..."

"Jake, we're ten feet away from my house."

"Yeah, but..."

"Jake." said Annie. "You're being ridiculous."

"I'm not." mumbled Jake, looking away. "You've already been kidnapped once before. I don't want it to happen again."

Annie was glad that it was dark, so Jake couldn't see her blushing.

"W-Who's going to b-be that f-fast? It's o-only t-ten feet, J-Jake. I'll b-be fine." she mumbled, tripping over her own words.

"Oh sod it." muttered Jake, taking her arm and marching up to the front doorstep. "You just don't want your parents to ask questions, don't you?"

"N-No! I..."

Jake knocked on the front door of Annie's house. It opened immediately, and Annie's stepmother stood in the frame.

"Annie!" she cried, sweeping her up into an enormous hug that was so tight it left Annie gasping.

Jake watched from the doorstep. He felt very strange, somehow happy, sad and jealous all at the same time. Jake didn't have a family any more. Once upon a time, he and his sister had been the long-lost heirs to Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin, nieces and nephews to Lily Evans and cousins of Harry Potter. They could snap their fingers and the world would revolve around them. Jake had known what it was like to have a sister, albeit a sweary, sparkly one.

But their parents had died in the mandatory tragic past that all Sues and Stus had to have, and he had never known what it was like to have parents.

Annie's stepmother had finally released her stepdaughter, and she grabbed Jake by the arm and pulled him into a bone-crushing hug.

"I don't know how to thank you." she said, tears in her eyes.

"I...I should be going." said Jake, backing out the doorway and running off into the night.

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When Jake arrived at his house, of which he was the sole inhabitant, it was to find the Nerd King sitting at his kitchen table and digging into a packet of cheese flavoured crisps. Jake blinked at him.

"These are really good." said the Nerd King, through a mouthful of the stolen crisps. "You got any more?"

"Um...hi." said Jake, still staring at the Nerd King.

"Mmm." said the Nerd King, licking his fingers. "Cheesy."

"Er...what are you doing in my house?" asked Jake.

The Nerd King said nothing, because he had crammed his mouth full of cheese flavour crisps. He tried to speak, but what came out was "Mmph mmphl bmmphhh." and a series of crunching noises.

Jake blinked at him. He was finding it extremely hard to believe that this was the same person who had terrified him days before, and done something very strange...

"What did you do to me?" asked Jake.

"I'm sorry, what are we talking about?"

"When I summoned you, you did something weird to me. What was it? And why did you do it?"

The Nerd King thought back to the night he first met Jake while foraging around the bottom of the crisp packet.

"Nothing too dangerous. You'll be perfectly fine."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing much."

Jake picked up the Nerd King by his shirt front and pinned him up against the wall. "Listen, I'm tired, hungry and in a bad mood. Just tell me what I want to know. And stop eating my crisps."

The Nerd King dropped the empty crisp packet on the floor and swallowed dryly. "Sure."

Jake let go of him.

"It's hard to explain how it works," began the Nerd King, "but I put a...a bit of myself into your mind."

Jake clutched his head protectively.

"It won't harm you, or affect the way you think or act. It allows me to see things through your eyes, and to know what you are thinking and feeling. I can access your memories too."

"So...you know what I'm thinking right now?" said Jake.

"Yup."

"Prove it!" said Jake, thinking the word "banana" over and over again.

"Is that really necessary?"

"Prove it!"

The Nerd King sighed, and then, in a perfect imitation of Jake's voice, said "Banana banana banana banana banana..."

Jake shreiked like a little girl and staggered backwards. He tried to cover up the sound with a manly-sounding cough, but the Nerd King had already heard and was smirking all over his face.

"But I still have some questions for you." said the Nerd King. "They won't be easy to answer. I couldn't work out the answers from your thoughts, so I came here to ask you."

"Fire away." said Jake, still thinking the word "banana", just in case.

"Why didn't you tell Annie that Thyyme Onyx Sara Sussannah Evans-Rolex was your sister?"

Jake thought for a moment.

"I was...I'm ashamed of it, I guess. I...don't really want her to know that much about my past."

"Why?"

"Well...er...because...she's...er...well...because she's my friend."

"Just a friend?"

Jake flushed scarlet. "What do you mean by that?"

The Nerd King smirked again. "Oh. I see. You don't need to answer _that_ question any more."

"What? Why?"

"Because I can read your thoughts, idiot."

"Oh yeah. Hey!"

"Loser." muttered the Nerd King.

"So are you going to take out the probe thingy? I mean, I'd kinda like to have my brain to myself again."

"Why?" asked the Nerd King, raising an eyebrow. "It wasn't that great a brain to begin with."

Jake glared at him. "Just take out the probe."

"Hmmm...no."

"_What?_" whispered Jake, in a very low and angry voice.

"A gift such as that cannot be thrown away so lightly. Besides, I believe that your story, and Annie's, is not yet over. So I won't be removing the probe just yet."

"Now you listen to me..." Jake began.

"No. I don't think I will." said the Nerd King, and there was a puff of smoke, and he disappeared.

"Bastard." muttered Jake, crushing the crisp packet under his foot.

"I heard that!" said the Nerd King's voice in his head.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

A few weeks later, Jake, Annie and Byron were hiding in the bushes outside Hogwarts, waiting for the next Sue.

"I don't think I can do this..." mumbled Byron, chewing on his nails. "She's so...glittery. What happens if I go all Stu-ey again?"

"I'll slap you." said Annie, surveying the magical castle through her binoculars.

"I wouldn't go all Stu-ey if I were you, mate." Jake said to Byron. "She can really pack a punch."

"But, I mean, it's my first ever mission! Ever! What if I do something wrong, or if I blow something up, or if I get captured, or if I..."

"Or if we don't actually get do anything because _someone_ wouldn't leave the bushes?" muttered Annie.

"Relax, Byron." said Jake, clapping him on the back. "We'll be watching."

"You'll be fine." said Annie, in a totally deadpan voice.

Jake turned his slap on the back into a shove, and Byron toppled out of the bushes. They watched as he made his way towards the Sue, who was batting her eyelids at him and giggling coquettishly.

"D'you think he'll do it?" Jake asked.

"I don't know." said Annie. "If he doesn't panic, he should be OK. But if he does, he'll go all Stu-ey again, and if he does that, we're finished."

"We're not finished." said Jake, remembering the Nerd King's words. "Our story is not yet over."

Annie lowered her binoculars and stared at him. "Who told you that?"

"Some guy I know."

"He sounds really weird."

"Oh, he is."

Suddenly, a thought struck Annie and she turned a deep red. Quickly, she raised the binoculars to her eyes, and hoped that Jake had not seen her blushing. She tried to make her tone light and casual, but even Jake, who was as thick-skinned as an armour-plated rhinocerous, picked up what she was thinking.

"W-What do you th-think he meant, o-o-our st-story?"

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

sniff Well, that's it. If I get any good ideas, I might write a sequel, but until then - adieu!


End file.
